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Debbie Does December: The Visiting Visionary

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Sagittarius.


You sure are a good-looking lot. People love to be around you and feed off your endless enthusiasm. They envy your wandering nature and consider you crazy lucky. But no one really understands you, do they dear Sag? Sorry, Sag, but this is a doubting time. Your usual springboard nature and boundless optimism are taking the holidays off and you are stripped to your fragile, naked self. But do not be afraid. The universe is watching out for you. Explore your core as much as you can because you are heading for a phoenix-like rise in the New Year. It will be your best year ever.


Capricorn.


By the end of the year, you will have everything you ever dreamed of, Cappie. You will be self-employed and wealthy. You will find true love with someone who is kind, loving, and really really really ridiculously good-looking. You will finally release the hurts of the past. All of your friends will move to the town you live in. All the people that were ever mean to you will apologize. There will be a Hollywood movie about your life and you’ll look fabulous at the premiere. Sound too good to be true? Well, you know what your momma said about that. If it does, it probably is. Sorry, all my fellow Caps, it’s just going to be more of the same for us this month. Oh, but we will have a sweet birthday party—get drunk and be grateful for that.


Aquarius.


Aquarius, you are such a humanitarian. You’re selfless and you dream big. Without you, this world would still be in the dark ages. But right now, we’re in bizarro world and it’s time for you to let your bad boy side out. Yell at an old lady; laugh at a kid who falls down; kick a puppy or two. You can’t repress your dark side forever. If you want to stay your visionary and giving self, you have to be selfish and mean for now. And have fun with it while you can get away with it. The more you get it out, the more space you will have to fill with your giving and thoughtful nature.


Pisces.


Galileo spent the last years of his life under house arrest for speaking the truth when others weren’t ready to hear it. You are often misunderstood, but you have some “the world is round and not flat” kind of secret that threatens many people. You will face an Inquisition of your own and may doubt yourself. Don’t. You are right and it will all come out in the wash. Dig your heels in and brace yourself for a long struggle. Stare down anyone in your path and look forward to your glorious vindication.


Aries.


You are reckless, prone to injury from fire and sharp objects, and just plain passionate—that makes you a real liability during the holidays. With some matches, alcohol, and a few days off, you could really turn your family’s Christmas into a smoking pile of embers. Try to cool down this Christmas—drink some tea, bake some cookies, sing some carols. We see your naughty side 364 days a year; give us one day of nice. Oh and you better go ahead and buy that home pregnancy kit. Thinking that you might have probably almost definitely maybe used a condom with “that guy” from the bar on Christmas night doesn’t really count as birth control.


Taurus.


Get your shopping done early to avoid desperate and bloody attempts to get the last copy of Halo 3. Buy your lover whatever he/she wants, no matter what the cost. Be the bull grazing in the pasture—not trampling through the china shop. People count on you to be stable and serene and that is what everyone needs during the holidays. Give others what they want and you will be sure to get your heart’s desire on Christmas morning.


Gemini.


Winston Churchill was talking about Russia when he said this, but it pertains to Geminis as well—you are a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. People have no idea how to please you, much less what to get you for Christmas, unless freedom and change are now available at Macy’s. (They aren’t.) Be more transparent this holiday season—burp loudly at dinner, express your gratitude for your family by getting drunk and strumming Christmas songs on your out-of-tune guitar. Call up your long lost true love in the middle of the night, whimpering. Just get it out, Gemini—enquiring minds want to know.


Cancer.


Ahh Cancers. I have such a soft spot in my heart for you, having dated several of your members. Like the crab you are, you won’t ever walk a straight line, instead you go three steps to the right, four steps back, eight to the left, and so on. I see a big, whopping dream-come-true in your immediate future, but you can’t have it unless you really go for it. Come on, break out of your shell and walk forward with arms outstretched. Give up a little control and I promise that your most secret wish will be granted.


Leo.


Just like acid trips, there are good Leos and bad Leos. Bad Leos are obnoxious and always have to be the center of attention—the person most likely to end up dancing on a table in a bar. Good Leos are just better at hiding that side of themselves and walk with an air of nobility and grace. But this is the time of year to really shake things up. If you’re used to modesty, strut your stuff. If you’re the braggart, step out of the spotlight and let someone else make a fool out of herself. Do the exact opposite of what you think you should do and there will be surprising and welcome results.


Virgo.


Your aloofness drives everyone crazy. I once had a Virgo love interest and when I called her, she acted like she didn’t care. When I backed off, she came knocking on my door. You have some wonderful qualities—loyalty, purity of purpose, great hair—and you are a crazy-good list maker, but this year, just get over yourself and find the true spirit of the holidays. I’m talking about love and warmth, sisters! For now, just drink some eggnog, hug your cousin, and laugh at your drunk relatives—you can analyze the hell out of everything later.


Libra.


You’re good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like you, but only those closest to you know your inner struggle for balance and your indecisiveness. Unfortunately, things aren’t going to change for some time. You don’t know what the hell you want and your fickle nature is just going to get worse before it gets better, so really, don’t even try to find peace now. Spend time with people who are required to spend time with you—doctors, spouses, parole officers—and settle in for a long winter. I anticipate a summer of love next year, so deal with your issues now.


Scorpio.


Every sign rules a part of the body, and for Scorpios, it’s the genitals. You get double the pleasure from sex, but also double the pain from pesky things like venereal diseases. The heavens point to an abundance of sexual activity in the coming month, so now is the time to pay attention to the lady (or boys) down there. Make sure you’re clean and coiffed. Wear clothes with triangles or well-placed holes that draw the eye to your crotch. People want you—get the number of a clinic and go spread the legs, um, I mean the word.


Many people say they were raised by wolves, but Natalie Josef really was. That’s why still, to this day, she doesn’t shave her armpits. She’s also a double Capricorn with a Taurus rising, which is basically congruous with a back-to-back life prison sentence in Zodiacal hell. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance and Natalie will not be the first one. She’s happy thinking too much, fearing intimacy, and ruining good things. Because of federal anti-discrimination laws, she is employed as a copy editor at DivineCaroline where everyone goes to great lengths not to laugh at her too much.


The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.

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