Another month on Planet Earth begins: The scourge of terrorism still preys on the innocent, the rich are getting richer while the poor are getting poorer, pollution continues to ravage our atmosphere … and you’re furious because your Applebee’s Asian Chicken Salad doesn’t have enough chicken in it? It’s time to put your problems in perspective.
You’re tired of the throwaways! You want the perfect man. And finally, like a glorious shooting star flashing across a full August moon, you’ll come across a breathtaking man—an Adonis so hot you’ll want to pour strawberry syrup all over his chest and spend an afternoon licking it off. Sadly, he has the intelligence of a two-year-old. Ah, but wait! You’ll meet another man: very smart, witty, and easy to talk to. Problem is, he’s got a face like a butt and butt like a wooden plank. What to do? You can only choose one. Well, some say brains can be beautiful, too. But have you ever tried to have sex with a brain? It’s not easy.
You’re an even-keeled diplomat. At home and work, you resolve conflict through fair compromise. But, your usually unflappable composure will be put to the test when your mother-in-law arrives in August. After a few minutes of examining your home with a disgusted look on her face, she’ll snicker and ask you, “Did a blind man design your house?” You’ll black out. When you wake up, your husband will be yelling, “Mom, please don’t go! She attacked you with a spoon and, yes, now she’s foaming at the mouth, but that’s just Marie being Marie!”
If people want to judge you, then let them. You’re different, and that’s better than being just like everyone else. You just keep doing what you’re doing and stop worrying about what others think. But, here’s a hint: If you would just shave your armpits and legs before you hit the beach, they’d stop judging you as “that dirty, hippy woman with shaggy pits and furry legs.”
You say you’re adventurous, so go on an adventure! Explore a park in your neighborhood or take a fun weekend road trip with friends! It’s summer! A time to try new things! Don’t feel like leaving the house? You don’t have to go anywhere to go exploring! Go up to the attic and look through all those old pictures of you and your recent ex! You guys look so happy! What happened? It was your fault, wasn’t it? It’s okay, don’t go outside if you don’t want to. Stay in the house and gradually notice that every single item in every room reminds you of your life together. Hey, isn’t that the vase that had those beautiful roses he gave you on your four-year anniversary? Look, there’s the TV you guys bought together! And that show you guys both love is on! Wow, it’s your favorite episode, too! You should watch it now and remember the time when you and your ex watched it together and how perfectly happy you were before it all went to hell! You don’t need to go outside! Just stay in and let the memories wash over you for hours!
Your favorite motto has always been “It’s better to be overly cautious than slightly dead.” So, you look both ways three times before making a turn at a four-way stop. And you have eight fire extinguishers strategically placed within equal distance of each other around the house. But, your guarded nature will be tested this month when your daughter’s motorcycle-riding, tattoo-sporting boyfriend shows up to take her to the movies. Your first instinct will be to tell him to go ruin another girl’s life and slam the front door right in the lad’s face. On second thought, you’ll invite him into your house and make some small talk. You’ll say that you hope the weather clears up for the weekend. He’ll say how he wants to open his own tattoo parlor after high school with money he’s saved from donating plasma. You’ll nonchalantly pick up the phone and say, “I’m calling the cops, so you’ve got about five minutes to get the hell out of my house.”
You’ve always been outspoken and opinionated. You say what you want, whether people like it or not. If it offends somebody, then so be it. In fact, that’s sometimes your goal, isn’t it? To stir up the pot? Hey, that’s just you being you. That’s why you wink at yourself in the mirror. Because you’re a special breed. And nobody’s saying you’re not. But maybe tone it down during a job interview this month. Interrupting your potential boss every minute or so with “Stop asking me the same stupid questions” won’t get you the job.
This month is going to be brutal. The humid heat of summer will multiply stress and anger. Normal family conflicts will erupt into sweaty tirades. Doors will slam. Kids will scream. Your legs will stick to the leather couch, which will infuriate you even more. Cool things off with a drink called “The Chill,” otherwise known as an ice-cold quart of vodka with a straw.
There’s an emotional fissure between you and your mother. Maybe it’s her constant verbal abuse about your “inexcusably poor career choices” that has you drawing doodles of her falling into a pit of pythons. Or perhaps she’s just trying to help you in her ol’ motherly, tough love kind of way. After all, she always told you that the outside world could be cruel. Maybe that’s why she kept you locked in a cage until you were fifteen.
I don’t want to get all planetary here, but there’s a haze of musty, toxic fumes hanging around Uranus. Yep, you got gas. Look, I know fiber is the new pink, but with the flax seed granola you had at breakfast, the deluxe three-bean salad you scarfed down at lunch, and the mixing bowl of cauliflower you gorged on at dinner, you shouldn’t be surprised if you have to release the valves every now and then. Also, don’t be surprised if you’re single during this “health nut” phase.
Your boss is a heartless jerk … or so you think. Get to know the guy a little better. What are his hobbies? What’s his family like? Does he have a reason—a sickness, a disorder—that makes him act like an ass? Doesn’t hurt to approach him and find out through grown-up conversation. But once you get closer to him, you’ll realize he’s got week-old salmon breath.
You love being around your family. Problem is, your temperamental, adolescent son repeatedly calls you an “evil sorceress” trying to “destroy his life at every opportunity.” Maybe this month you should send him to public school, stop feeding him, and take back the TV, Xbox, and iPod you got him just because you “love him so much.”
Benji McSimmons is a Chicago-based writer who loves sweaty walks on the beach, strong bourbons, Michael Jackson, and the Faces of Death movie series. Benji has been gifted in divining the future since he was a wee lad; he knows now, for example, that he will be having a super burrito with steak in just a few hours.
The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We will focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.