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Fitness Forecast: The Visiting Visionary

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Leo, you’re a slave to your ruler, the Sun, and this time of year, you’re too busy arranging your fancy bikini on its matching beach towel to work up much of a sweat. Besides, you’re bored by most anything but your own reflection. But, exercise doesn’t have to be boring, and it doesn’t have to make you sweat. Just casually drop a frisbee from your beach bag tomorrow as you pitch your umbrella in your usual spot—in clear view of the hot Argentinean soccer players. They won’t be able to resist tossing the old disk around and you’ll work your muscles and your heart without you even realizing it, since you’ll be having so much fun watching. When they notice your hotness, they’ll undoubtedly insist that you join them for a fourteen-on-one tourney. You’ll have so much fun that you’ll end up laughing your butt off, which works your abs and relieves stress.


You’re picky and pure, Virgo, and always looking down your nose at others, so it’s no wonder that you often have trouble relaxing enough to enjoy exercise. But it’s time you hopped off your high horse and onto yer bike. From there you can enjoy the endless satisfaction of ringing your prim little bell at the kids hogging the whole road with their training wheels. You can decorate your bike with pretty rainbow streamers and sneer at the blah yellow jerseys as you leave them in the dust. Remember to keep your tight little ass well padded or saddle sores could interfere with your post-ride high.


Gravity’s kicking your wobbly bottom, Libra, and it’s time to fight back. Autumn’s coming, and soon you’ll be back in heels, so stop messing around with your scales and start restoring balance. It’s obvious that you’ve been a slave to Venus’ demands for more this summer: a little ice cream here, a lotta lattés there. The cheeks of your arse are so uneven that you’re sure to fall flat on your pretty but fleshy face. Aerial yoga might be just the thing you need. As you dangle precariously above the ground, keep your spirits elevated by imagining how ripped your core abdominal muscles will be after fighting the effects of gravity.


Why fight it Scorpio? You belong in a cage. You’re too sneaky and downright venomous to be allowed to crawl freely around the gym. You just need to be true to who you are. A little ultimate no-holds-barred fighting is just the thing. Remember though, there’s no eye gouging, hair pulling, or biting allowed, so try to work those exercises into your warmup to work them out of your system. Otherwise, get in the cage, menacing creature of the dark, and get your heartbeat going with a little human cockfighting. You can be as violent and vicious as you like, just don’t use bad language.


Drop whatever you’re barely doing right now, Sagittarius, and take to the fields. That’s right, saddle up your Shetland ass and pony-up to the nearest peak. You’ve been feeling a little closed in of late, haven’t you? A little domesticated—spooked even? Well, you’re no beast of burden, my Sagittarian friend, you’re a big, strong, smart animal, and it’s high time you reminded yourself. Find a wide open space and let your mane down. Whip off your blinders and spit out that steel bit—The Man uses these instruments of bondage to reign you in. Run free, filly! A few lengths and you’ll be back to your wild self, hunting with the hounds and hoofing around in your fancy dressage in no time.


You’ve been climbing the corporate ladder all year and climbing into bed too early to make fun with the billy goats. Can’t you see that all work and no play makes you dull, Capricorn? You need to get back in touch with your horny self and fast, or you’ll end up a miserable old goat. Kick start your frisky fitness levels with a pole dancing class. Hit the beach on Tuesday mornings when the lifeguards train, and guzzle lots of Joe (it makes rats randy apparently). I see an orgy of activity in your fall future, lamp chop, so start spreading your attentions across the herd now.


You have one rule, Aquarius: if it feels good, do it. You’re not a great team player—you hog the glory and you’re not so solid solo either because you’re easily distracted. You’re ruled by Uranus, and most the time you’re talking through it too. I see that you’re sick of talking the talk Aquarius, and being teased for not walking the walk, but now it’s time to step up. You need to go jump out of a plane without telling a soul. Actually, do tell the parachute guy to be sure he straps you up, but don’t tell your friends or family. Then feed sharks. Keep mum on some extreme action gigs, and after a few near-death experiences, you’ll find your friends more receptive to your dramatic ideas. It feels good to drag others down with you, so do it.


You’re swimming in opposite directions, Pisces. You’re just darting around and living in fear, which means you’re easy pickins for the big bad fish-eaters circling your cosmic fitnessphere. Take heed and retreat. Consider solo sports like tree-climbing, unicycling, and thumb-wrestling while you lie low for the next month. While these sports will keep you out of trouble and make your tasty bait more interesting to potential sex partners, you cannot deny that your honed reflexes would make you a great ninja. You’re not very strong or deep, but you’re one slippery fish so you’d very quickly move up the ninja ranks to become an assassin ninja spy. You’d also be set for Halloween.


Aries, you’re a butthead. You trample on others in your quest to the window-treadmill, and you’re anything but sheepish when strutting your stuff in that pink thong leotard. Your “I’m so much better than you” bleats have angered the herd at jazzercize, so it’s time to channel your inner lamb. Start showing up late for class and act like just getting there is workout enough. Just go through the motions Aries, and before you know it, you’ll be lazily kicking your way back to that safe, sweat-stained fold.


The pastel headband, the pink legwarmers, and the white patent pumps are about as useful as tits on a bull, Taurus, if you don’t start getting physical, physical, c’mon and get physical. You’re an impotent shadow of your former stud self! Yes, your will may have faded with your acid-washed jeans, but your power is as non-biodegradable as your zipper-front nylon shell suits. Stop chasing that pathetic spoon and start dancing your bovine booty back to the mad cow you used to be. Note: A little Vaseline works wonders for polyester rash.


I see skidmarks, Gemini. You’re ruled by Mercury—the God of head-messing—and this summer you’ve been bungeeing from one celebrity fit-fad to another. You can’t decide if you want to break a sweat drag-racing à la Lindsay or by lifting “major” weights (gigantic sunglasses on twig frame) à la Posh. Take a tip from Paris and keep those arms “hot” by slowly raising the Chihuahua pooch in your right hand to your lips and then lower the pampered pup to your jagged hip bone. To work on your abs, look no farther than Colin Farrell. He keeps his tummy in top BLEEPIN’ shape by bellying up to the bar for at least forty-five minutes a day, supplementing his workout with Guinness before, between, and after workouts.


Those drills aren’t going to get any easier if you keep bitching about being too weak, Cancer. Whining about a headache or really bad stomach cramps might be more effective, though I’m not sure anyone’s even listening anymore. Come summer’s end, your ruling moon will really give you something to whine about, so you shut up and shape up now, while there’s still time. You’ll need serious balls to take on that spooky moon, so grab some big orange ones and practice, practice, practice. You may make a bit of a mess, but your weak hand will definitely improve. If you can dribble and shoot the ball well with both hands, you’ll have more options to make the man in the moon putty in your hands.

Jacinta O’Halloran is a New York City-based writer who sees things. She can smell rain coming; she sees a black spot on your tongue if you’re lying to her, and she knows you’re pregnant before you do. She’s an Aquarian, with her head firmly rooted in the clouds … so she can keep a close eye on the stars for you.

The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We will focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.



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