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Forward, March! The Visiting Visionary

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You may not have noticed through your Zyrtec-induced haze that spring is right around the corner. You can tell because of the obnoxiously pink-and-yellow color schemes that adorn the window displays of your local Old Navy. Or perhaps you catch a whiff of it on the pollen-thick air, or take note of the impending vernal equinox in the strange behavior of your dog. Or perhaps it’s simply your bottomless lust for Cadbury Creme Eggs. Whatever signs of spring you’re noticing, it cannot be denied that changes are upon us all—for good or ill or chocolate or not. Keep your Kleenex close and the champagne closer. This is going to be an interesting month. 


Pisces
When you look back on the last couple of years, do you see more thorn than rose? Have you felt more like the nail than like the hammer? Did your favorite jeans split a seam? Has it seemed that the universe has been out to get you? Well, it has. The winter is coming to an end, and for you, Pisces, this winter has been long indeed. But this spring, be ready to begin to gather the karmic fruit of all of your recent hardships. After your time out in the cold, people are ready to welcome you and all your gifts back into the fold. Your sensitivity and intuition will once again serve your purposes in life. Your totally off-the-hook nesting abilities will ensure that you snuggle into your new routines comfortably and happily. And not to worry: A better pair of jeans is right around the corner. 


Aries
Stealth is the name of your game, Aries. I know keeping still is difficult for you, bursting as you are with bright ideas and a busy-busy lifestyle—especially after your long winter hibernation. But you can never be sure when some little piece of particularly interesting gossip is going to come back and bite you as if your butt is a giant cosmic Ho-Ho. You’ve got a lot going on behind the scenes, and I promise you will get your due spring fling, if ruling Mars has anything to say about it. 


Taurus
Oh, Taurus, Lady Gaga’s got nothing on you! You have never been more fabulous—or more popular. You’ve been crushing it at the office so far this year, and your hard work is going to be recognized and rewarded this month with a raise-the-roof fete hosted by Venus and Uranus, the fabulous duo that rules Party Town. I promise you, fair Taurus, you will be in high demand for all of March, so best shed a bit of your characteristic rigidity and get ready to shake it up. 




 


Gemini
Silver-tongued Gemini, your smooth-talking candor and charm have paid off. Prepare for liftoff! There’s no better way to start spring fresh than with the optimism that comes from a challenge well met. However, you excel at telling people precisely what they want to hear—which is why we love you so. Just don’t forget the all-powerful reality check once in a while. Sometimes you just have to say, “Yes, those jeans do make your ass look fat.” 


Cancer
Okay, so you’re hypersensitive. You’ve used this to your benefit in the past: You’ve managed to oh-so-subtly manipulate the emotions of everyone around you (in the best possible way, of course) in order for events to proceed accordingly. And while we might resent this psychic prying the way we resent a bikini wax, we know that it was all for the best in the end. The point is, your powers of persuasion will be coming in mighty handy in the coming month. I can’t be too specific, but let’s just say I hear Dubai is lovely in the spring. 


Leo
You’ve been a dissatisfied cat as of late. You’ve spent your winter frustrated by one thing or another, as people continuously refused to acknowledge that you were right about everything. But fear not, Leo. The world will go back to revolving around you just in time for spring. Prepare yourself for the open floodgates of adoration as people everywhere comply with your every order, put you in charge of every situation, and agree with everything you say. What more could a fiery control freak like you want? 


Virgo
Speaking of control freaks, Virgo, you’re in for a wild ride—2010 is already shaping up to be a banner year, and your standards are, as usual, stratospheric. If the stars are to be believed, you’re about to undergo a spring awakening that will land you a new career path, a new lover, and a fabulous new selection from the Lanvin spring line. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of a stretch—really, how specific can planetary alignment get about luxury items? The upshot, however, is that you must be ready to greet spring with verve and perhaps with a bit less of that Herculean grip you love to keep on everything around you. 


Libra
Who doesn’t love a Libra? No one, that’s who. And people are going to love you so much this month that they will entrust you, and only you, with the most important tasks that need doing. This is a nice way of saying, sweet Libra, that you’re overworked and underpaid, which admittedly isn’t the best way to leap into spring. But your inability to say no and risk ruffling some feathers, and your timeless quest to keep all manner of things peaceable and balanced—well, it’s not working out for you so well at the moment. Do good work; your efforts and expertise will be appreciated. Then tell the old boss to cram it where the sun don’t shine, and go get drunk in Cancun like God intended. 




 


Scorpio
Everyone wants to be a Scorpio, or at least play one on TV. Your intensity and tenacity (some might say stubbornness) play a huge part in making you your charming, driven self—you are the person whom everyone wants to know. This is going to raise the hackles of your lone-wolf tendencies, but trust in the stars (and other things) and venture a little bit beyond your comfort zone, and you might find something particularly delectable waiting for you come springtime. Could be love, could be money. That’s a win-win if I ever saw one. Keep that in mind the next time you feel like eschewing a night on the town to curl up with a nice Russian novel. 


Sagittarius
It’s been trying for you, Sag, these last months. Not quite able to get the house together? Soufflé falling? Your dogged optimism, admirable as it is, was likely tried by the slow buildup of some minor frustrations. But fear not—your Martha Stewart skills will kick in just in time for a spring cleaning. You haven’t given up hope—you never do—and your inherent whimsy will ensure that you will have a fabulous new attitude to go with your spruced-up and delightfully organized abode. Nothing says spring like a clean sweep—of the head, the heart, and the hearth. Get ready to embrace new beginnings of all kinds. 


Capricorn
Did you know you have the same zodiac sign as Elvis Presley? How cool is that? I wish I could tell you that has some bearing on what your stars portend for the impending equinox, but it’s totally unrelated (and highly unlikely that you’ll die from a drug-induced heart attack on a toilet anytime soon—I’m just sayin’). However, spring has other things in store for you. Being the reliable Capricorn that you are, you’ve been working hard and have been happily focused on the tasks at hand, even as the chaotic world spins to pieces around you. It’s time for a break. Pack your bags, Capricorn. The stars are all screaming, “Vacation!” at you from across the galaxy. Put your goatish diligence to work on air-hotel packages for exotic destinations. I recommend someplace with an expansive beach and large cocktails. Okay, go. 


Aquarius
Vegas, baby—that’s all you need to know. As fly-by-night types who reject heady commitments and complications, Aquarians also tend to put money in the category of necessary evil: You earn it, you spend it. But that’s about it. You prefer to save your energy for more interesting and creative pursuits, rather than wasting it worrying over nickels and dimes, but now the planets have a little cha-ching in store for you. You’ve always been a freethinker; get ready to think freely about a fantastic new spring wardrobe—among other things. Out with the old!


Read last month’s Visiting Visionary.


The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign. 


Sage Romano has a soft spot for tall Scorpios with piercing blue eyes and is best friends with all the signs she’s supposed to hate. She is a poor excuse for a Virgo in many ways.  

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