You are here

Get Naked Already, It’s Summer! The Visiting Visionary

+ enlarge

Can’t decide whether to spend your summer break landscaping the garden or finally booking that way overdue romantic getaway that you’ve been promising your special someone? Of course you can’t, because wishy-washy is your inherent nature. So, embrace your versatility and do what you do best: put it off. Make all your decisions at the very last minute and go with your gut. If there’s anything others can count on, it’s your charm and your duplicity. Gemini, being a person of two minds, the best part is that you can change it, and change it again. No one can fault you!

Remember that heartbreaker who reduced you to pulp, had you crying to your friends five times a day, and swore you off romance, puppies, and chocolate forever? Get over it! It’s high time to embrace your inner crustacean and toughen up. I know, I know, you give so much of yourself and you just can’t go there again. I’m here to tell you yes you can, and you will. Your goal: rethink romance as if it were a seafood diet—order it every day of the week except Sundays and Mondays. If you get started now, you might be able to land yourself a nice catch by your birthday.

I know it’s all about you and summer is your grand spotlight in the sun, but move your lion’s ass over for another month or two until it really can be all about you and that massive Dante’s Inferno you’ll be blowing out on your b-day cake. Gorgeous, prideful Leo, you must make amends to the stars for your overactive ego by apologizing to every Gemini and Cancer you see. Open doors for them, offer the place ahead of you in line, pay compliments on their hair and shoes. Then call your mother and don’t interrupt her or talk about yourself. Just for June. Just this once.

Stop worrying and learn to love the bomb. That’s right: you in your bathing suit. Those extra pounds are never going away—you know you’ll never be willing to give up guacamole, ice cream, or tequila sunrises. So get yourself one of those cute little cover-ups or suit skirts, hide those thighs that only you obsess about, and serve yourself an umbrella drink. Loosen up, you little Virgin. You’re so disgustingly perfect every other month of the year, so get your feet dirty in the sand and allow others to feel good for looking a little bit better than you for once.

Enough with peace, love, and diplomacy. You need to learn to speak your mind without all that internal diplomatic editing. Instead of worrying about which trashy novel you plan on reading in the hammock all afternoon, you’re fussing over your mother’s complaints about the plumber, your sister’s newborn’s colic, and your cat’s sudden disinterest in Fancy Feast morsels. Weigh your own options instead of everyone else’s this month. For now, Libra, I recommend achieving a careful balance of ice-cold lemonade in one hand and Scruples or Valley of the Dolls in the other.

Nobody brings on the heat like you do. Everyone knows that you are one deeply passionate, sexy motha of a force to be reckoned with, Scorpio. There’s nothing I could possibly tell you that will sway your nature, your decision making, or your emotional state of being. The only advice I have is for everyone else: Warning! Danger! Just Say No! Run Away Now! You will have a white-hot endless summer (who can stop you?) with quite possibly more than one willing lovelorn victim in your arms. Just be gentle with that stinger.

This is your month to soak up a whole lot of goodness. What makes you so special, Saggi? You’re too modest to admit it, but you’re that friend everyone wants to pick to be on their kickball team or take to the George Michael concert. In fact, you are so good at making every situation more fun that you’ll probably even get invited to your neighbor’s future sister-in-law’s shower. Woo-hoo! Have no fear, my Archer. There’s no need to be overwhelmed by the windfall of options. Remember: you’re very good at targeting what you want.

I’d tell you to kick back, relax, and get ready to enjoy the dog days of summer, but you won’t. You’re an old goat who’ll never learn how to do that. Even when you guiltily take a half-day away from your work, you’re making lists, organizing closets, balancing your budget, and fretting about the world’s food supply and the ultimate demise of the human race. You’re not easily fooled, Cappi, but you might be rationally convinced that a disciplined study of Mediterranean lifestyles is indeed a worthy pursuit. Think olives, grapes, sangrias, napping, and creating—all in your bathing suit. Your brain and body will thank you for the necessary rejuvenation. Trust me, these are practical thoughts.

‘Quari ‘Quari, quite contrary, how doth your June garden grow? Truth be told, it’s going to pot. Part of your problem, my dear, is that you have a thousand great ideas—and you’ve started about half of them. You bore easily, and once your interest wanes, so does the garden, the home projects, and the half-baked vacation plans. The good news is that you are one inventive and crafty devil. Dead plants? No problem! You can finally get that compost going out back (idea #253). Divvy up your spotty get-away ideas (# 15–24, #32, #41, #112) for each weekend of the summer and consider it a day’s work. You’re a genius at taking the path of least resistance while fooling everyone else into thinking you’ve worked your tail off.

My mother always said you can’t trust a Pisces. What I think she really meant is that you can’t trust an older sister who’s got a better social life than you. You’re always first to plan the all-star picnics, spoil everyone with too many Betty Crocker bakeoff award-winning desserts, and somehow manage to look effortlessly fabulous. The real problem, my little Fishy, is jealousy. From everyone else. You’re just too darn nice, selfless, and generous. And you look good in sparkly things. Your weakness: you care too much about other people’s opinions. You know how you often ask yourself, “How did I get to be the one in charge?” Well, don’t take the bait this month! Of course it won’t be as good if someone else plans the fun, but hey, even fish need to float sometimes.

Put your seatbelt on and make sure you’re up to date on your insurance—you’re itching to do something wild, adventurous, and risky. Balloon rides are too tame, Vegas has its limits, and swimming with dolphins just isn’t the same thrill as swimming with sharks. I don’t want to get your ire up by suggesting that you’re a complete fool, but there’s a reason why you’re having trouble getting your friends to join you in your daredevil antics, Aries. You are high risk, my horned friend. Keep your fiery drive confined to the bedroom this month, and stave off your life-threatening impulses for the Midway rides at the State Fair.

Your friends won’t say this to your face, but you’re a stick in the mud. You’re so set in your ways, there’s very little room for wild and wooly spontaneous misbehavior. Just because you aren’t a sex fiend doesn’t mean you have to be such a downer when all your cougar friends want to go out on the prowl. We know your favorite things about Sex and the City are the shoes, not the shenanigans. And we’ll forgive you for it because you cast such a striking figure. True, there’s hardly a person more solid, reliable, and yes, inflexible than you. Except for maybe a Virgo or Capricorn … which is exactly who you should arm yourself with on your way to the mud baths.

Naomi Quinn was presaged in the dream of her great grandfather on the very day she would be born seventy years later. Her mother had a way of smelling secret truths, so much so that Naomi couldn’t get away with a single lie as a child. Now, Naomi looks for signs of the future in her coffee grounds, which most recently suggested that large sums of money would soon be delivered by a strapping man in a brown suit at her door.

The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.


Loading comments...