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I Saw Mommy Spanking Santa Claus: The Visiting Visionary

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Have you been naughty or nice this month? Kristy St. Kringle, personal psychic to Santa, knows all and is here to tell you exactly what will be under your tree or next to your menorah this December.


Sagittarius
Ho, ho, ho (or mazel tov) and happy birthday. What a month you have in store. Must be nice to have a birthday that coincides with the holiday season AND be the most optimistic sign in the zodiac. Could life really get any better for you right now? Yes, it could because I see Santa delivering seven exotic dancers just for you this month—decorated with mistletoe in strategically-located places and ready to be your private dancers. Don’t thank me. Thank Santa. Apparently, you’ve been very good this year.


Capricorn
If Santa could get you about ten more hours in your day, Capricorn, he would. With work, plus volunteering, plus your social life, you almost literally catch yourself coming and going. Santa wishes he could help you, but he’s a little busy traveling everywhere in one night, and then taking a huge nap. What he will bring you, though, is a lovely collection of wigs. Isn’t it so fun to be someone else? You totally forget about all your commitments and duties. Embrace your alter egos.


Aquarius
Oh you Aquarians. No two of you are alike. So how can Santa possibly nail down a gift for you? As Santa’s personal guru, I can tell you that he’s got the elves working overtime to figure out this very predicament. Fear not. The King of the North Pole is a pretty perceptive dude (thanks to my spiritual guidance) and will not disappoint you this holiday season. You’re getting all of Oprah’s favorite things! Cashmere underwear, a pomegranate necklace, hand lotion made by Fijians, a doggie treadmill, calypso music, thumbtacks, and scotch tape. Are you as excited as I am?


Pisces
I know you love the holidays, Pisces. Please. Everyone in your personal universe knows. There’s no way they could have missed your holiday countdown calendar, or that obnoxious silver, metallic wreath on your front door, or that you were singing carols back in early October. You work so hard to make perfect holiday gingerbread cookies and the perfect Hanukkah latkes and perfect holiday cards and perfect holiday parties and then like clockwork, every year you manage to stress enough to create another forehead wrinkle. Well this year, Santa knows exactly what you need. Botox.


Aries
Wow. It’s been a year full of adventures for you. In love, in work, in travel—you really pack it all in, don’t you? No one else is capable of taking on a new relationship while on vacation, and landing a lucrative deal for the company like you. It’s good. Don’t get me wrong. But, it’s the holidays. Santa would love to see you take a load off—time to just settle and simmer for a moment. So Santa’s bringing you some really, really great prescription drugs and a bottle of vintage red wine. Nothing says “relax” like poppin’ a couple with a glass of vino and taking a long winter’s nap. Sleep tight, Aries.


Taurus
I’ve gotta break it to you, Taurus; it’s not going to be the best holiday season. Why, you ask? Well, as we both know, you place too much importance on the perfection and loveliness of your life. And, when you put so much pressure on being perfect, something is inevitably going to blow up in your face, be it a vacuum bag or a chocolate soufflé. You’re gonna crack, T; it’s just how you are. But fear not; Santa’s bringing you some lovely scented candles, so when the shit hits the fan, at least you’ll have some aromatic assistance to keep things smelling lovely.


Gemini
December is game-on for Geminis. All your good-natured qualities are allowed to run free. For most of the year, people find it annoying that you’re always cute, flirty, and in a perpetually good mood. But in December, they just chalk it up to holiday cheer and actually welcome it. So run with it. Santa’s bringing you a whole rainbow of lipstick colors. Drop Dead Red. Color Me Purple. Hot for Pink. You’ll have them all at your disposal to schmooze and smooch to your heart’s delight. ’Tis the season.


Cancer
Cancer, what’s the deal? You’ve got holiday invitations piling up on your table and you haven’t RSVP’d to one of them. Santa knows that you’d much rather stay in this holiday season and watch White Christmas and It’s a Wonderful Life and Elf, but old Santa’s not going to let you. He may be thousands of years old, but he knows just what a modern woman like you needs: a pair of designer scissors from Prada. They’re to die for. Cut yourself out of that comfort cocoon, Cancer. C’mon. Get with it and get out there.


Leo
What does the dramatic, spotlight stealing, make-her-friends-karaoke-all-the-time Leo want for Christmas? Ahh, yes. I remember, and no, you’re not getting an audition for America’s Greatest Project Whatever. But, Santa does have a little something star-studded in store for you. He’s delivering a shiny, new microphone and several DVDs—Fame, Solid Gold, and Flashdance. With all of this ammunition, maybe you’ll be inspired to go find your fifteen minutes of fame and fortune, Leo. Santa will be looking for you on the silver screen.


Virgo
December is hard for Virgos. The landscape is only perfect when it snows. Otherwise everything is brown, dead, and dirty and you’re aching to sweep it all up. Santa loves you, Virgo. He really does. You’re the one that keeps the North Pole tidy, organized, and running smoothly. So even though Santa gets a little perturbed when you’re walking behind him sweeping up cookie crumbs with your dustpan and reminding him that he has a lot of errands to run, Santa knows what will make you sublimely happy: the Hoover XL250.


Libra
Santa is excited to give you a very special gift this Christmas. Much like everyone in America, Santa got very tired and annoyed with the talking heads on political talk shows this year. Needless to say, they aren’t on the “nice” list. Santa loves some good political punditry, but he really is looking for the one true individual to deliver “fair and balanced” for real. So he’s giving you your very own talk show this year. It just makes sense. You’re an insanely diplomatic soul who rarely ever stretches the truth. You’re compassionate, peaceful, and elegant. It’s a win-win for us all, and to all a good night.


Scorpio
You’re the easiest person for Santa to create a gift for, Scorpio. Just like every year, Santa’s bringing you the latest and greatest vibrator. You ask for it, and you’re going to get it. Your sexuality will just not be hidden under a blanket. You put it right out in the open. Santa knows that no one will enjoy the Extra Joy 5000 vibrator like you will. And, he knows that you’ll be a good girl and share it, too. You create your own mistletoe situations, Scorpio, and Santa really likes that about you. Really. Fa la la la la la la la la, my dear Scorpio.


Kristy St. Kringle is the personal psychic to Santa. She spends half her year at the North Pole channeling her psychic abilities to help Santa, and half in Palm Springs working with her long list of celebrity clients. Ms. St. Kringle believes a steady diet of arugula, goat cheese, sausage and mushroom pizza, and cupcakes keeps her clairvoyant.


The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.

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