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January, the God of the Doorway: The Visiting Visionary

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Once again, a new year is upon us—another year to make and break resolutions, watch dreams die before us, and see the nether regions of drunk Hollywood bad girls. As we leave behind 2009 and focus on the year ahead, these horoscopes will not make a bit of difference, but what the hell. 


Capricorn
Last year, my resolution was to build upper body strength. By the end of the fall, I had visible biceps and could do five pull-ups in a row, two things I have never before accomplished. Why I am telling you about my guns? Well, first of all, they are freaking awesome, but more than that, fellow Cappies, I just want you to know that we can do anything we set our minds to. Others may bemoan our rigidity, stubbornness, and proclivity for destroying intimate relationships, but at least we get things done. If people get in your way or try to make you doubt yourself, go all Yakuza on them. Legend has it that the Poison Fists of the Pacific Rim, the Japanese Mafia, kill people five times before they hit the ground. That sounds pretty cool. Hell, if we can do that, we can do anything. 


Aquarius
The colorful cast of Hair told us that we were in the Age of Aquarius in 1969, but astrologers are still arguing about when it technically started. Some think it started way back in 1447, others think it began in 2000, and still others believe it hasn’t even started at all. What does this tell you? That there can be many “right” answers to one question? No. What this means is, people are obsessed with pinpointing and quantifying things. But you know that technical stuff doesn’t matter. And you know what, Aquarians? You are always right and others should bow before you, trembling, in complete and utter submission. This year, more people will be listening to you, so enjoy it. Think about buying a scepter and working on your righteous, condescending laugh. Oh, and get a big ring for your pinky so that all your minions can kiss it. 


Pisces
You fishies are so lucky to have Fabio among your ranks. The actor-slash-model (and not the other way around) is quite a success. He has authored books (using that term loosely), led a fragrance campaign, and became the spokesman for a well-known product that apparently tastes like butter, but isn’t. He even created a line of outerwear for women. All those shirtless romance-novel covers must have left him cold and shivering and dreaming of warm garments that would assuage the pain of hardened nipples. What does this have to do with you, you ask? This is the year your business instincts will fully come to fruition and, combined with your desire to help out your fellow humans, you will finally invent something that will hold a book up in front of you when you are reading in bed and make millions. Designer thong line, here you come! 


Aries
Oftentimes when I meet people I like, I find out that they’re of the Aries persuasion, which puzzles me, because I categorically dislike everything about the Aries sign. Being the youngest sign of the zodiac, they are reckless, impulsive, excitable, and frequently dangerous. They encourage me to break out of my shell, try new things, and loosen up—all things I hate. But where would the world be without you, Aries? We need arsonists to keep firefighters at work. We need gamblers willing to put up their children for collateral so that poker chip makers have a market. So, yes, you are valued members of society, but I still don’t like you. I thought I might reconsider this in the new year, but no … that’s exactly what you want me to do. Nice try, Aries. Move it along. 


Taurus
Last year was full of bull-in-the-china-shop moments. Even when things weren’t your fault, you still got blamed. I mean, if things are screwed up and there’s a bull standing in the room, chances are the bull had something to do with it. But not this year, dear Taurus! This year, you will be as tiny and insignificant as good judgment is to Octomom. People will sit on your lap in theaters because they didn’t see you sitting there. They will make fun of your obsession with writing fan fic because they didn’t notice you in the room. But enjoy this cloak of invisibility and the downtime it brings you—tap your fingers together à la Mr. Burns and finish that Star Wars/Harry Potter crossover, because God knows the world needs to see Harry and Jabba the Hutt battling over the elusive Golden Snitch. 


Gemini
There is something intrinsically ironic about you, Gemini. Your ruling planet is Mercury, based on the Roman messenger of the gods. However, one of your greatest weaknesses is that you are utterly undependable. Who wants an undependable messenger? That’s like hiring a deaf ventriloquist. So what gives? Sure, I know all about your dual nature; I know you are two people living inside of one. But I have a suggestion for you. Instead of being balanced, take the undependable person inside of you and make it into a creepy-looking conjoined fetus that lives only in your armpit. Whenever it wants out, just smother it into silence. People need to depend on you this year; don’t let them down. 


Cancer
You know what’s really awesome about you guys? When you love someone, you are completely blind to that person’s faults. Maybe that’s why I have dated so many of your kind. But pay attention here, Cancerians. This year, you need to open your eyes and see the world without your foggy love lenses, because chances are, there is an emotional terrorist cell in your group of loved ones. Are you frequently giving your man $100 to buy beer? Are you constantly finding your girlfriend in bed with men and it doesn’t really look like they are working on a presentation for work? Wake up, Cancer. It’s the spring clearance sale on your loved ones—everyone must go. Well, not everyone. You get kind of crabby when you’re lonely. Here’s my advice. Get yourself arrested on charges of pooping on a public monument. Whoever is brave enough to come bail your butt out of jail truly loves you. 


Leo
It takes 3,500 calories to make a pound. Animal cloning has a 1 percent success rate.


The word “woman” in Pakistan is synonymous with “endurance.” The average American spends the equivalent of six complete days in front of the TV each month. Pears make my stomach hurt and my boss is in love with George Clooney. Who cares, you ask? Well, that’s exactly what I expected you to say, Leo. All this is just to remind you that not everything is about you. This is the year to get over yourself, Leo. Give blood, walk old ladies across busy streets, pet ugly dogs, volunteer to sit next to the smelly man with no shirt on the bus—if what you’re doing makes you uncomfortable or seems like a waste of time, that’s precisely what you should be doing. Every other year of your life will be about you; make sure this one isn’t. 


Virgo
Look, I’ll come right out with it—you make everyone around you look bad. Your idea of being lazy is like working a double shift in a sweat shop to others. Your to-do lists should be nominated for the Pulitzer Prize and your intelligence should be considered a national treasure. Here’s the deal, though, all you Virgos out there: all this does is inspire hatred and arouse anger in those around you. Not everyone enjoys basking in the shadow of your supreme awesomeness. This year, try to mingle among the commoners and resist your urges to lecture them on personal hygiene and proper ways to invest. No man is an island and we all need somebody to lean on. Take a chill pill and have some fun. Seriously, have a drink or something. Jeez. 


Libra
At one point in my life, my best friend, my mom, and my therapist were all Librans and—I have to be honest—it wasn’t the best time in my life. And though blaming others for my problems is childish, I do. Sound familiar, Libra? No matter what you do, all people do is blame you for their problems. And it isn’t fair, is it? And you would know—your sign is the freakin’ scales! I’m not going to lie to you; the first part of the year will be taxing for you, Libra. You will be blamed for broken umbrellas, tepid hot drinks, and lower enrollment in clown colleges, but hang in there. In the second half of the year, you’ll get your fair share of problems and find creative ways to blame others for them. It’s all about balance. 


Scorpio
While the other signs are represented by honorable animals like crabs, bulls, goats, and fish, the symbol for your sign is the deadly scorpion. Aside from some recent and unexpectedly brutal goat attacks in the Midwest, no other sign is out to kill everyone. I have not known many of your kind, but the one I did know inspired jealousy and ill will in normally kind people because she was so hot. You see, we were having a competition to see who could get her into bed and it wasn’t pretty. And you know what happened? She moved away. Yep, left all of us in her scorpion-scented dust. Scorpio, be particularly careful of your powers this year, and use your charms wisely—those goat-killer victims never saw it coming. 


Sagittarius
Did you know that you are prone to accidents involving fire and explosions, especially while traveling? Considering how much you love to travel, this could pose quite a problem this year. Instead of globe-trotting and scorching the earth, Sag, get yourself a young, skinny Chinese boy who likes to throw around firecrackers for no apparent reason, à la Boogie Nights. This is a perfect way to get a little international action and firepower without ever leaving your couch. Other options are to watch Firestarter while drinking White Russians, light matches in your underwear while listening to Björk, or turn up the heat while practicing Brazilian jujitsu. Get crafty this year, Sag—the craftier you are, the safer.


Many people say they were raised by wolves, but Natalie Josef really was. That’s why, to this day, she doesn’t shave her armpits. She’s also a double Capricorn with a Taurus rising, which is basically congruous with a back-to-back life prison sentence in zodiacal hell. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance and Natalie will not be the first one. She’s quite happy thinking too much, fearing intimacy, and ruining good things. Because of federal anti-discrimination laws, she is employed as the managing editor at DivineCaroline, where everyone goes to great lengths not to laugh at her too much.


The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.

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