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July’ke My Predictions? The Visiting Visionary

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Boy, do you have the most depressing zodiac name or what? Well, fear not, because July is Cancer’s month to shine! (Possibly the only time that sentence could be viewed positively.) You’re looking fine and feeling inspired, but don’t let that characteristic moodiness bring you down. I know you dig the mysterious vibe, but it just doesn’t work in a bikini. Instead, devote your energy to exploring new venues, whether it’s a new restaurant or a whole new country. This month, ditch the Crab (your astrological symbol) … the world is your oyster.

Oh, mighty Lion, your heart is so proud and true, and your regal countenance is the envy of all the zodiac world … except this month. This month, things are going to get a little—how can I put this delicately?—shameful. Nothing’s set in stone (the stars are finicky little suckers), but said incident might involve a trashcan, a lost bra, and your neighbor’s cat. You’ll come out of it with dignity tarnished, but not lost. Just remember to listen to that prideful heart when it says you’ve had enough tequila shots.

According to this Web site I referenced … uh, I mean, my psychic abilities, your astrological body part is the intestines. I know what you’re thinking—what the *$@& does that mean? It means that you are drawn toward foods that promote inner balance and physical health. This month, use your sign-given intuition to teach your friends and family about the importance of good nutrition. People enjoy being told that what they’re eating is wrong. Your friend might seem annoyed when you tell him that mayo is the condiment of the devil, so just tell him that his waistline will be grateful. And remember to duck when he throws his tuna sandwich at your head.

Libra, is something wrong? I sense a lot of tension in your aura. I know you say things are tough at work right now, but I can’t help but feel that this is about me. Are you still upset about that prediction I made a few months ago? It was months ago! I already apologized to you and your mother. Crystal balls and tarot cards aren’t 100 percent accurate, you know. Wait, I’m getting another reading. This one’s coming in loud and clear, so clear it’s making me dizzy! Libra, the astrological forces are combining and compelling me to tell you, to warn you … GROW UP! I predict bad things happening otherwise. Like me being really, really mad.

You want money. Lots and lots of money. You keep reaching for that pie in the sky, but to no avail. The bill collectors are knocking at the door and you’re wondering why the universe isn’t intervening to throw you a financial bone. Newsflash: the universe doesn’t care about your debt. The universe is busy with way more important things, like making trees grow and stars shine extra bright on romantic nights … neat stuff like that. July is a sink-or-swim month for you, Scorpio, and it’s a perfect time to start anew by adopting a frugal lifestyle. Embrace coupons and discount sales, but avoid discounted meat at the Dollar Tree. Nobody needs to live that cheaply.

For you, this month’s focus is on forgiveness. It’s time to let go of past issues with friends, relatives, even that jerk who always lets his dog do her business on your lawn. Anger consumes far more energy than acceptance, and it only encourages more negativity in your life. I’m not suggesting you become a Passive Patty, but it wouldn’t kill you to let go of your inner Resentful Regina. If you can manage this, I foresee beneficial effects on the other aspects of your life, such as a promotion at work, stronger bonds with your friends, and a significant decrease in bathroom visits from that pee-happy Pomeranian.

Have you ever heard that expression about “all work and no play”? Well, I’m not going to lie; it’s making you a dull person. I admire your ambitious nature and there’s no doubt that it will bring you much success in life. However, I predict a massive burnout in your future if you don’t let that to-do list go once in a while. Instead of filing your recipes, why not watch a movie? Rather than reorganizing your underwear drawer for the hundredth time, go outside. Carpe diem! I’d hate for you to miss out on great opportunities (and there are plenty to be had in your future) because you’re weighed down by responsibility. Start small—stay out past 9 p.m. on a weekday. That’s wild!

Admit it—you’ve been selfish lately. Coveting that ridiculously expensive purse; borrowing my shoes without asking; eating the last chocolate chip cookie when I told you I was saving it for later! Okay, maybe that’s just my roommate, but since she’s a Aquarius, she probably represents all of you. Why not try focusing on your humanitarian side instead? Volunteer at a soup kitchen, offer to do the dishes once in a while, and just help … I don’t know; people who need help. Stop being so self-centered and, most of all, stop scuffing up my Louboutins, Angela.

Yikes, my crystal ball just turned all smoky and portentous-looking … that means difficult times lie ahead this month. You will face challenges, and while I’d love to assure you of your future perseverance, that would make me a liar. Ultimately, the gut-wrenching, mind-shattering issues you will grapple with this month will not leave you with a fresh, new perspective so much as a bitter, confused outlook on life. I know … Debbie Downer, right? Buck up, lil’ fishies—my spiritual sources tell me that August will be much better. I can’t tell you much (that’s for a future Visiting Visionary), but in the meantime, lay low, watch Netflix quality comedies (might I suggest the eternal classic Wayne’s World), and stock up on some good chocolate … you’re going to need it.

You’re hot this month, and that’s not just because your astrological element is fire. (That’s a little horoscope humor for you.) Your adventurous attitude will compel you to do all of the things you’ve ever wanted to but put off because of money, time, danger, etc. You’ll sign up for that Portuguese class; you’ll tell that guy in HR that you’ve got something that needs “stamping”; you might even attempt rollerblading. Though I admire your outgoing spirit, you “Ariesians” tend to never err on the side of caution and often get into trouble. Put a check on your soaring courage—invest in good knees pads … and possibly a lawyer knowledgeable in sexual harassment suits.

I love how self-sufficient you are, Taurus. One day I hope to be like you … once I find a mentor who will help me, that is. You’re levelheaded and perfectly happy lost in your own thoughts, but you rarely let other people see the real you. I fear that you’re missing out on a fundamental human experience—love. That’s right; I wrote that scary word. You Bulls tend to be withdrawn, but July is a fantastic month for new relationships. Your social stars are aligning to make you the target of Cupid’s bow—the question is, will you recognize the sharp sting of his arrow, or will you yell at the guy behind you for pinching your behind? Only time will tell.

My crystal ball is so foggy … or are those smudges? Great, and I’m out of Windex. Well, that’s what you get for showing up late to the party, Gem. Let’s see … I think I can see the sun in my ball. It’s warm where you’re going to be! I predict warm weather and probably good times. Maybe a few barbecues or beach parties? I can sort of see a love interest in your future this month. It’s either someone you know or someone you’re going to know … yeah, I think this ball is tapped out. All this foretelling has made me weak and my crystal ball a bit grimy. What can I say? Astrology gets a little dirty sometimes. Try back in August!

Vicki Santillano’s talent for predicting the future came on her tenth birthday when her dad gave her a toy magic 8-ball. Annoyed with its constant reply of “Answer hazy” to all of her questions, she knew she had to find the answers to her questions (and everyone else’s) by cultivating her psychic side. Though happily employed with DivineCaroline, she still longs for the day that she can start a psychic hotline and make money telling other people how to live.

The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.


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