Mother, May I? The Visiting Visionary

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Well, aren’t you sweet for asking.

Speaking of sweet, in honor of Mother’s Day, as this month’s Visiting Visionary, I’ve harnessed all the power of my maternal instincts to foretell your month of May. Which only makes sense—a good mother has eyes in the back of her head; why not use mine to see into the future as well?

As we enter the merry, merry month of May, the stars call for Mother’s precious children to experience an overwhelming sense of freedom, whether to go strolling through the park one day or to dance joyously around a pole. (No, dearies, that’s not a stripper reference.) It’s as if some all-knowing and powerful creature (flattery will get you everywhere) had signed a celestial permission slip, allowing you to find the real you.

The planets say you’ll get in touch with your wondrous inner child this month. But beware of also unleashing your inner brat. Because remember, dearies: Mother is always watching.

Lucky creature. You’re ruled by Mars, the one planet sufficiently secure in her own heavenly body to wear red full time. It’s also the namesake of the company that makes delicious candy like M&Ms. Fittingly (especially since Mother thinks you don’t eat enough to keep a bird alive) you’ll indulge your sweet tooth this month. Whether your yummy treat contains a creamy caramel center or is the new cutie-pie in Accounting, go ahead and unwrap that tempting package. Just know the difference between “enough” and “too much” of a good thing. After all, bathing suit season—and Human Resources—is right around the corner.   

Being a Bull can have positive connotations (“takes no bull”) or negative ones (“like a bull in a china shop”). It’s all a matter of finding your voice, something you’ll finally accomplish in May. Perhaps you’ll calmly tell your bossy sister-in-law that this Thanksgiving, you’re not playing hostess (and definitely not sitting at the kids’ table again). Or inform that pushy store clerk that Calypso pants may be back, but not on your generous backside. If either one pushes back, permission granted to use Mother’s favorite line: “Don’t take that tone with me, young lady!”

You twins have a sixth sense about what others are thinking. Know what’s on Mother’s mind? How great it’ll be this month when you go out and take that wonderful career plunge you’ve fantasized about. Maybe you’re a teacher who yearns to be a fashion model. (Such a pretty face!) Or an actress who really wants to direct. Yes, that last one would make you a cliché, but so what? Unless you go work on Wall Street and use your “sixth sense” to commit insider trading, not even the SEC gets to tell you what you can’t do.

You’re always eager to get a bold jump on things—doubtless because you’re ruled by the Moon, which is already up and glowing madly while lazybones Earth sleeps in. You’re closing in on your birth month, so all signs point to your getting the party started early and pulling many new friends into your irresistible orbit. But do resist your tendency never to hold back. You’ll thank Mother for that advice later, when you decide not to show a passing car your best, uh, “moon” child side.

You’re queen of the jungle, so you should be swinging from trees. (Hey, Mother is known for her clear visions, not her unmixed metaphors.) But you rarely allow yourself a walk on the wild side. While you won’t turn into a complete animal this month, happily, you’ll go a bit ape over some newfound passion: Maybe it’s a pair of superfine Manolos. Maybe it’s Manuel with the superfine pair of pecs. Just keep your catlike protective instincts nearby. Sadly, it’s a jungle out there, too.

Tightly-wound. Little Miss Perfect. Virgin. (Okay, maybe a Virgin Bloody Mary drinker.) Who’d ever suspect your alter ego is actually Madame X? This month, some secret, juicy side of your personality finally asserts itself. Beware: Once Madame X gets out, she could be a little hard to stuff back into the bottle—or get her wild belly dancing video off of YouTube. But the good new is you just might not want to. (The better news is, Mother thinks you’re still a … Virgin Bloody Mary drinker.)

When you’re ruled by Venus, love is all around. But so are its brother, big-screen TV, and drooling Labrador Retriever. You’ll finally meet Mr. Right this month when you least expect it. (“You’re wearing that to go get your oil changed?” is all Mother’s gonna say.) Whether he’s Mr. Permanent depends on how you weigh good versus bad. Good: he’s generous with his time and money, has plenty of hair up top and none on his back. Bad: he wants to live in a coaster-free zone where he can still watch sports. In other words, he’s not a girl.

You’re a water sign, which suggests travel to some lush, wavy paradise. Or burst bathroom pipes. Relax. There are no “If I breathe, I’ll get charged time-and-a-half” plumbers in your stars. It’ll be smooth sailing, whether you cruise the Caribbean, stroll the Riviera (repeat after Mother: “Donnez-moi le SPF 16 Coppertone”), or spend a Margarita-soaked, lakeside weekend. So make sure your passport (and tequila) is up to date, but keep your plans quiet at work. A certain “planet” (jealous co-worker) always “realigns” (calls in sick) whenever you’re going on vacation. They don’t pay you time-and-a-half to cancellez la Riviera.

This is your month for intense self-analysis because you’ll unexpectedly feel conflicted when something you’ve long desired is finally within grasp. (Also because Mother says the only other person qualified to analyze you is Mother.) This condition isn’t uncommon—June Carter Cash pined for Johnny for years and still had to be talked into walking the marital line with him. But eventually, you’ll have to decide who you want to be: an unhappy person who never took a chance? Or someone who looks exactly like Reese Witherspoon and ends up winning an Oscar?!

Guess who was (still is?) a Capricorn? Elvis! (If you’re asking, “Who’s Elvis?” why not just stick a knife in Mother’s back right now and be done with it?) Consider that symbolic. Good things are headed your way this month—a bonus, fabulous highlights, no presidential debates—but so is someone from your past. He’ll try to restart your whole dysfunctional “love lost and found and lost again” cycle. So unless it’s Elvis himself reappearing—doesn’t that bowl of Cool Whip look just like his face?—avoid this comeback special and count your highlights. Literally.

Well, look who’s joined our humble little horoscope party. Our biggest celebrity sign, complete with her own theme song. You’re probably due for a harsh dose of reality—like, say, Sanjaya singing “Age of Aquarius.” But not if you play your cards right. You’re coming into some money this month. It’s okay to splurge a little, but you need to start thinking long-term security. You don’t want to end up another cautionary celebrity tale—Michael Jackson, with all those llamas and no retirement savings. Um, actually Mother would just be thrilled if you didn’t end up another Michael Jackson, period, okay?

Whew! Someone’s been churning the waters hard. Unfortunately, all work and no play makes Pisces … actually, it’s about to make you quite successful and important. Ha! Just wait till those busybodies in Mother’s bridge group hear you’ve made partner, PTA president, etc. this month. Trump that, ladies! But the stars also say you’d better learn to come up for air occasionally. Take a spa day. Throw a party. Because you know what they say about big fish cooped up in the tank too long. They eat everything in sight, and then start to smell funny.

Jill Vejnoska is a Sagittarius who was dropped on her funny bone as a child and giggled for twenty-four hours straight. When she’s not swan-diving off the divan in an attempt to recreate the experience, she chronicles her moneysaving adventures in Diary of A Cheapskate.

The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.


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