Life is a game. You roll the dice, experience highs and lows, make decisions, and react. And at the finish line, it’s pretty clear who won and who lost. So, since April is National Board Game Month (according to a random, unverified Web site), let’s see how our favorite diversions influence our lives.
Consider it chance that wins you second prize in a beauty contest or a bank error in your favor. Because after you’re assessed for street repairs and forced to pay a parking fine, your final bill will open up your water works. But don’t hold those tears in—your weeping just might attract sympathy from a certain sugar daddy with a monocle.
Scarlet looks great on you, but don’t let it define you. People are watching, and any false move or decision will only raise suspicion. Seriously, you should hear what they’re suggesting about your behavior in the conservatory. So be careful. Also, use candlesticks for sticking candles and nothing else, even if you catch a creepy, mustachioed colonel looking up your skirt.
It’s okay to try new positions. And no matter what contortion you find yourself in, you’re going to feel uncomfortable and possibly excited. But that’s okay—you shouldn’t shy away from physical contact. Just don’t be the first to touch your knees to the ground in front of your partner. At least get him to buy you dinner first.
Stop beating yourself up because you don’t have a blank slate. If you did, you could very easily “live” or “love.” And that would triple your perfection. But since life isn’t perfect, all you’re left holding is some “lava.” Or, if you think nobody is paying attention, something called “luve.”
First, the good news: It’s your lucky day, and not only are you married, but you also have two kids. And you drive a convertible that seats four. And now the bad news: Your Day of Reckoning is here. You don’t have any arms and legs. Your husband and kids have the same affliction. And you all look stupid standing up in your orange car.
Sometimes words fail, so you’re gonna have to find different ways to communicate. And what sounds like an answer to you might need to be, for others, illustrated with many different expressions and in several amazing combinations. And if that’s still not good enough, then throw a tantrum, since it’s clear you’re dealing with idiots and you can’t believe they can’t figure out what they’re looking at.
When describing yourself to others, try using an unpredictable combination of words. This will make people think about you in a different light. And although you can’t control what some people prefer, it’s your right to argue vehemently that you are indeed a primitive Eleanor Roosevelt.
Just because your man is a giver doesn’t mean it’s okay for him to call what you have just a “relationship” or a “bond.” Or that he considers your “kinship” an “alliance” that leads to “indecent liaisons” with each other every night. It doesn’t matter that because of rules and restrictions, he won’t enter a “legal joining of two people.” If he loved you, he would just say it. Why won’t he?
When your man tells you that you’re very saxicolous, just smile and tell him that you appreciate that he still finds you arousing. And when he laughs, laugh harder. And when he laughs even harder, laugh the hardest. Then, when you finally decide to crawl out of the rock you’re living under, go ahead and look it up.
Feel incomplete? Well, looking for an answer in where you live will leave you blue. And you’ll turn yellow if you try to find a connection in history. And wild guesses at chemistry or nature will just leave you green with envy. But keep looking—you’ll eventually find your piece of your pie, unless you are indeed stupider than a fifth grader.
Although you might feel as if you’re stuck in a swamp of molasses in your search for your lost king, always remember that there’s a rainbow waiting for you on your noble quest. That is, unless you swallowed all the sweeties you met, leaving yourself rotten and toothless and destined for eternal loneliness.
In order to find true happiness, you need to reshape your body into a perfect temple. Start by using your hand-eye coordination to get rid of your broken heart. All that takes is a steady hand and a pair of tweezers. Please note: removing your Adam’s apple will require a much bigger surgery and countless years of counseling.
Aries = Monopoly
Taurus = Clue
Gemini = Twister
Cancer = Scrabble
Leo = Life
Virgo = Pictionary
Libra = Apples to Apples
Scorpio = Taboo
Sagittarius = Balderdash
Capricorn = Trivial Pursuit
Aquarius = Candy Land
Pisces = Operation
The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.
Steve Tornello is an associate creative director at AKQA, a digital advertising agency. He works on Xbox and Nike Basketball, two brands that traditionally don’t talk to women. He contributes to DivineCaroline sporadically to hone his craft for an audience that has traditionally spurned him. After reading his contributions, you’ll understand why. Follow him @steveohville or visit steveohville.com.