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Screw March: The Visiting Visionary

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Pisces
Does it sometimes feel like you’re a magnificent angelfish swimming against a school of ugly sardines? That’s because you’re a drama queen. Snap back into reality! Life isn’t as bad as you’re making it out to be. In fact, the many moons of Jupiter are perfectly aligned this month to bring you a little underwater booty. The stars didn’t tell me what kind of booty that you’ll be getting, just that you will be getting some. So get out of those depression Juicy Couture sweatpants and go get your booty!


Aries
The prima donna inside you will be center stage this month and there will be little you can do to suppress her. The good news is you can sway Miss Thing in the right direction. If you emulate Harry Houdini (also an Aries), you will captivate and delight people with your energetic and adventurous nature, giving the illusion that you’re a perfect little peach. But if you give into your prima donna’s arrogant and jealous tendencies, then you may end up performing or conducting an unpopular disappearing act, much like your fellow Arian, Lorena Bobbitt, did back in 1993. Opt for the Houdini route this month and spread your prima donna loveliness all around.


Taurus
Sometimes you feel like you just can’t win in life, no matter how hard you try. You never fail; you just don’t win. Well, Taurus, this time you do win (sorta). According to the alignment of Jupiter’s moons, you’re correct. You really will never win at anything. So this month try celebrating not failing, instead of wondering when you will finally win at something.


Gemini
Did you know that the Olsen twins are also Geminis? Does that make them uber-twins or quadruplets? Whatever they are, they’re lucky to be Geminis and so are you, because it’s raining men and success this month. The seeds you’re planting now are sure to bloom this spring. However, before you get all excited and start picking out vases to showcase your bouquet of success, you should take a good look at what you’re planting. If it’s a new love, prepare for some teenage-like steamy make-out sessions. If you’re planting a career, get ready to climb that ladder instead of wasting your talents on your knees. But if it’s a negative attitude you’re spreading around, prepare to reap a hearty crop of loneliness and despair this spring. Happy planting, Gemini!


Cancer
My dear sweet Cancer; you’re like the zodiac Mother Theresa. You’re thoughtful, sensitive, and you always put your friends and family first. But what about you, dear Cancer? Think about it … Momma T spent the majority of her life helping people that didn’t appreciate her and most likely smelled like manure. A splurge for her was probably taking a hot shower and she most certainly never got laid. Yes, she was loved by many people and even won the Nobel Peace Prize, but in the end, she died alone like we all do. Make March the month you stop wasting all of your great traits on other people and start treating yourself right. If you’ve always wanted to watch bullfights on acid, do it. If you’ve always dreamed of becoming the opposite sex or increasing your breast size to Dolly Parton standards, do it! And do it soon, before your deadbeat brother calls and asks for a favor.


Leo
I hate to tell you this, but the stars are cosmically aligned for a catfight this month. So you’d better step off your yoga mat and start tapping into your cat-like instincts, because someone is out to steal something from you that you’ve worked hard for. It may be your job, your lover, your porcelain pony collection, your garbage, or even your mail. The good news is that the lion is the king of all beasts and its carnal instincts will push Leo to devour anything or anyone that tries to get in its way—even porcelain pony stealing vegans. So start sharpening your claws, Leo, because crazy is coming to town!


Virgo
This is the month you’ve waited for all year, Virgo! Target is having a sale on all Method cleaning products! All of it! On Sale! If you just got excited—even a little bit—then you need to seriously check yourself. Because you’re one step away from becoming so miserably boring that if you ever do decide to cut the cord, or walk over that ledge you’re perched on, no one will even notice. The good news is the stars are perfectly aligned to help you loosen up a bit. So go out as much as possible this month. Have a couple extra drinks if you need it and pretend that you’re windexing the windows when you dance. (It’ll drive the opposite sex crazy.)


Libra
Did you know that Libras are the zodiac’s activists? Of course you do. You’re always fighting for some cause. From petitioning for two-ply toilet paper at work to increasing the red wine pour at Chili’s, you are always up to make the world a better place. So why are you bringing everyone down with your incessant whining about your job? Here’s a thought: shut up! Nobody wants to hear it. Try to pretend that you’re an empty wine glass at Chili’s. You were made to take on more wine; wine makes everyone happy and damnit, you deserve more wine! If you become an activist for yourself, dear Libra, you will soon taste sweet wine on your lips—at Chili’s and at your job.


Scorpio
It’s rare, but sometimes the absence of moons, as in the cases of Mercury and Venus, can actually cancel out the astrological effects of moons from other planets. This is going to affect you the most as your world gets a little topsy-turvy this month. What used to seem normal will now seem unbelievable. Do not be alarmed if you start talking, reading, or walking backwards. And who knows, maybe if you put on a pair of roller skates, you’ll finally be able to say that you can skate backwards. Whatever you do, just know that it will pass and it’s just a crazy planet night.


Sagittarius
More, more, more. Yes, we get it, Sag. You want more. But do you really think it wise to keep taking and buying just for the sake of having more? Do you really need to go to such extremes to get more attention? Was it totally necessary to show your co-workers that you can do the Thriller dance naked? At the rate you’re going, you’ll be joining fellow Sag, Britney Spears, by shaving your head, attending interventions with Dr. Phil, and losing your children. Take heed, young Sag, and focus on what you need instead of what you want.


Capricorn
You are the sign of a seagoat, but no matter, you make sea goats look good. You know that if you just believe and smile enough, good things will come to you. And you’re right. Your fellow Capricorn, Ryan Seacrest, was recently awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and he’s done pretty much nothing except think good thoughts and say “Seacrest out!” If he can get a star, just think what you can get. You actually have talent and determination. So enjoy your successes this month, Capricorn. And congrats on your star, Ryan.


Aquarius
Aquarius, you’re like that kid in American Beauty. You see beauty everywhere and it’s really annoying. It’s impossible to find beauty in everything and if you can, then you really need to get off the Percocet and the Zoloft and spend some time at the city dump of Naples. That said, you’re actually going to see some pretty beautiful things transpire this month (but not everywhere because that’s irrational), mainly in your love life. So stop looking for beauty everywhere and start looking for a beautiful romance.


Emily Strand is Astrology. She’s studied everything zodiac from equatorial coordinate systems to the continuity in David Fincher’s Zodiac film. What can she say? The girl knows stars.


The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.

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