It’s May! Time to take off that turtleneck and put on a thong bikini! Indeed, I see many things for you in the upcoming month—many hot, steamy, and smelly visions. One thing’s for sure: summer’s just around the bend, which means it’s time for blue skies, sunshine, swimming pools, garden parties, sweet tea, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, cheese dogs, chili fries, corn dogs, hot sauce, pina coladas, beans, cold milk, tetherball, clam bakes, badminton, peanut butter, lobster boils, chicken salad, sweating, ice, Beach Boys, wine coolers, Van Halen, fanny packs, digital watches, bare chests, sweaty backs, musk, sunburn, fish, tiki torches, sand, and beer! Are you ready?
On May 15, you’ll feel the sting of infidelity for the first time. During a romp with your guy-on-the-side, your bare bottom will land on a hairpin dropped by the Motel 6 maid. A mildly painful, stinging sensation will come from your backside. Luckily, with a little antiseptic and some more naked romping with your secret beau, you’ll be right as rain.
Growing up, your mother never stopped comparing you to your sickeningly beautiful sister. This month, you’ll finally succumb to the deep-rooted, aesthetic insecurities she instilled and get reconstructive plastic surgery on your face. You chose not to see her for three years, but now you’ll suddenly surprise her at home and scream, “Look at my beautiful face, you witch!” She’ll respond, “I’ve gone blind, honey—have been for the last three years.”
You’ve got a nickname for everything, which is cute. Away on a romantic weekend, however, is not a good time to tell your husband to bring out his “little pukey” and get to work.
You’ll whine, you’ll cry, you’ll smash mirrors left and right. But when it’s all said and done, you’ll still be you. I think your stepfather will say it best in his monthly email to you: “Honey, as you try to improve your life, your rancorous personality may hold you back. Power through these genetic roadblocks using your below-average intellect and nonexistent sense of humor.”
This month, you’ll frequently fall into deep, wine spritzer-induced slumbers where you’ll dream the same romantic fairy tale every night: a mysterious man captures your heart and you live happily ever after on a potato farm in Ireland. But then, one happy May day, you’ll actually meet that man of your dreams! Unfortunately, you’ve inexplicably dreamt about Andrew Dice Clay.
This May, you won’t be willing to give up chocolate for the 348th straight month. You’ll read the dieting articles. You’ll watch the health food shows. You’ll get reamed by your personal trainer. Still, you’ll sneak the Snickers. You’ll crave the Kit Kats. And during a humid May afternoon, you’ll ingest four pieces of your Aunt Becky’s Devil’s Food Chocolate Lava Frosting Cake. Just give it up, Libra. This is a battle you can’t win. Just like when you tried quit sex with bald men. Not happenin’.
You’ll overdose on Activia yogurt this month. Yeah, that’s basically it. I mean, you’ll just go a little crazy, you know? Just have a few glasses of Chardonnay and eat some Activia while you watch a little Real Housewives of Orange County. No biggie, right? But before you know it, you’ll have eaten a month’s supply of those live bacteria cultures and then you’ll be stuck wearing adult diapers for a few weeks. No biggie.
A chance encounter with Oprah will brighten your spirits. A chance encounter with Gayle King, Oprah’s best friend, will send you into a jealous, violent rage. You won’t be that uncontrollably jealous for another twenty-five years—when you run into Oprah’s favorite actor, 123-year-old Sidney Poitier, at Safeway.
You’ll ask yourself a lot questions this month. Questions like: What was I put on this earth to do? Who is my soul mate? Where are my clothes and why am I lying next to Andrew Dice Clay?
It’s very blurry, my Aquarius princess, but I think I see a vision of a warthog eating a pile of its own feces. Oops! The vision has come into focus and I now see your mother-in-law eating a big bowl of chili at your family cookout next week. My mistake.
This month, take the pills your doctor prescribes. Why? For starters, they’ll stop those voices you hear and visions you see. Second, you want your heart to keep beating, right? And third, what’s your personality going to be like when you’re not high? (Hint: Robin Williams on speed.) Stick to the pills, Missy.
Starting on the first of May, you’ll watch Oprah reruns all day instead of tending to the needs of your newborn child. At the end of the month, your child, having lived off of spider heads and fly brains, will try to strangle you with a rubber band as you watch your favorite talk show. You will live, but this will be the first of 4,100 stranglings your child will attempt. Stay alert.
Benji McSimmons is a Chicago-based writer who loves sweaty walks on the beach, strong bourbons, Michael Jackson, and the Faces of Death movie series. Benji has been gifted in divining the future since he was a wee lad; he knows now, for example, that he will be having a super burrito with steak in just a few hours.
The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We will focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.