It seemed silly this month to focus on the traditionally light October horoscope fare of crisp autumn air, changing foliage, and glowing jack-o-lanterns. With the election bearing down upon us, a financial crisis looming, and a general gloom hanging over the entire country, I decided to call upon some friends who have their fingers on the proverbial Washington pulse—and their astrological signs—to make this month’s predictions.
As told (in a heavy Russian accent) by Vladimir Putin (October 7), Prime Minster of Russia
Libra, you should have listened to babushka when she told you to mind your scales and make better decision. Now Presidential election is upon you and you can’t even make simple decision, like Ginger or Mary Ann, Popov or Smirnoff, or who shot JR—Kristin or Sue Ellen. (We just got Dallas in Russia … I very much like.) If I were as—how you say?—indecisive as you are, Russia would not be empire! And I would not have moved into home where I could see Sarah Palin from doorstep each morning! You disappoint me, comrade.
As told by Joe Biden (November 20), Senator (Delaware) and Democratic Vice Presidential candidate
Hey there, Scorpio! How ya’ doin’? Wow, you are one strong-willed person, not unlike my good friend and fellow Scorpio, Senator Hillary Clinton. I mean, Jesus, I thought my frickin’ nomination might never see the light of day thanks to her shenanigans …oh, damn, there I go again. Obama keeps telling me to keep it brief and not run on, but I just have so much to say … there’s so much inside me, ya know? I’m just a regular guy from Scranton, PA! And no, there’s not really a Dunder Mifflin in Scranton. But for the record, Obama-Biden supports paper! And loggers! And trees! Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with being intense and strong-willed, but when it comes to sharing your opinions on the election with coworkers and friends, tread carefully. Maybe try being a little light for a change.
As told by Henry Reid (December 2), Senate Majority Leader (Nevada)
As much as I abhor the Straight Talk Express nonsense that comes from Senator McCain’s mouth, I have to say, Sag: you need some Straight Talk. Some tough love. Something. Because you’re spending like one of the original Lehman Brothers right now, acting as if there will be no consequences for your greed and immediate gratification. But hear this! If you keep going at this rate, you’re going to need your own bailout. Reign it in, and for the love of blackjack, stay away from my home state. They’ve got your picture on file at the Golden Nugget, so your free Southern Comfort shots and shrimp cocktail days are over.
As told by Katie Couric (January 7), CBS Evening News anchor
You’ve got it tough, Capricorn. Your perfectionist, practical, organized side is the one people know best. But inside you, there’s a perky America’s sweetheart just waiting to get out and shine! Take it from me, a Southern girl from Virginia (okay, so Arlington isn’t all that Southern, but whatever), you can still be methodical without being rude. Why just the other day I was talking to fellow Capricorn Michelle Obama, who refused to tell me where she purchased her fantastic shift dress. So I said, “Michelle, I’m going to ask you again: tell me about your dress. Is it or is it not from Ann Taylor Loft? Not to belabor the point, Michelle, but you can probably afford the regular Ann Taylor. Give me specifics, Michelle, or I’m going to ram a camera up your colon!”
As told by Sarah Palin (February 11), Governor of Alaska and Republican Presidential candidate
Congratulations, Aquarius woman, you’re about to get a promotion! But no matter what your coworkers say, you deserve this promotion; you’re not getting it simply because your CEO wants to say a big “screw you, I can put a minority in management, too!” to the rest of the company. I have to warn you, though; this promotion will bring a period of heavy criticism, so perhaps you should consider a vacation to take the edge off. I, for one, highly recommend Kuwait in October … it’s just so darned charming! If you can’t find any good flights, I also like Germany; I was there in 2007 for a few hours and it was just lovely. And if that’s out, I also recommend Hawaii. Todd and I just love foreign travel!
As told by Ralph Nader (February 27), Independent Presidential candidate
Einstein once said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I couldn’t agree more—it’s time for a change, Pisces! Take me, for example. I’ve run for President four times—five if you count ’92—and only just now is the world finally listening to what I’ve been saying for years about the environment, and don’t even get me started on auto safety and how long it took for that to catch on. Well you know what, Pisces? I’m tired. My love life’s in the shitter and I can’t eat food I have to bite into anymore thanks to my teeth and those mercury fillings that I warned my dentist about when I was eight. It’s time to focus on me. Screw the trees! Bring on the fossil fuels! Go, loggers! Accept that things are the way they’re supposed to be for now. People will eventually come around to your way of thinking.
As told by Henry Paulson (March 28), Secretary of the Treasury
My mom always told me, “Hank, when things go south, you’ve got to make your own luck.” I’ve never forgotten that, and that’s why, during some of my darker financial days, I just ordered the U.S. Mint to print a little extra money for me. We’re already like a trillion dollars in debt; what harm could $250,000 more do? You need to take a page out of the Henry Paulson Manual and make your own luck, too. You can do it, Aries! Turn that frown upside down and don’t let that foreclosure get you down!
As told by Cindy McCain (May 20), wife of John McCain, Republican Presidential candidate
Poor, dear Taurus. This economic crisis has taken a toll on you, hasn’t it, my darling? I’m so sorry for your troubles, but I think I can help. Because poverty is something that no one should have to endure. And also because poor people make me so dreadfully uncomfortable! Well, not exactly poor people, per se; rather, poorly dressed people. I’ve tried to instill in my girls that Banana Republic and H&M are fine for, say, Chelsea Clinton, or those adorable little Obamagirls, Malia and Sasha. But for you, Taurus, during these trying times, I think you’re going to have to live with a $29.99 BR Martin wide-cuffed trouser. Just thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to resort to the Kathy Ireland line from Kmart.
As told by Jill Biden (June 5), wife of Joe Biden, Democratic Vice Presidential candidate
Editor’s note: Because Jill is not used to getting a word in edgewise around her husband Joe, she declined to comment on Gemini’s October 2008 outlook, but she wishes you and yours a Happy Halloween and a joyous election season.
As told by President George W. Bush (July 6)
Cancer, I’m afraid that a lot of people have a perspection about you that just isn’t true. Their perspection is mil-informed, but where they got it doesn’t matter, because you’re going to have to work hard to change that perspection. You can’t pontificate it. You can’t matriculate it. You just have to decompose it and be the bigger person. As my wife likes to say, people will forget about you soon enough, anyway.
As told by Barack Obama (August 4), Democratic Presidential candidate
Look, Leo, I know you feel like your life is careening out of control right now. And you’re absolutely right! I couldn’t agree more! Look, what you need is change, real change. What you do—or don’t do—in the next thirty-one days will determine the course of your life for the next four years, or at the very least the next thirty-one days. Maybe you should consider making some phone calls to rally some support, or organizing a grassroots viewing party of some old home movies of yourself to see where things went wrong so you can make some changes. Or look, here’s an idea: if all of your friends donate just $10 today, you’ll ensure that your campaign for personal betterment can continue to persevere.
As told by John McCain (August 29), Republican Presidential candidate
Your health needs to be your priority this month, Virgo, and lately, you’ve been taking it for granted. Did you know that there are people in this country who aren’t even able to have a good, solid bowel movement every day? People who suffer from hypertension and incontinence and liver spots? People who suffer day after painful day without the love of a good beer heiress? People who only have one single solitary home in which they live. How do they manage, these brave Americans? I don’t know … I just don’t know. But you better stop your pity party right now, because if you think you’ve got it bad, you’re wrong. You don’t understand bad. You don’t have the experience to understand bad. When you’re forced to drink things with names like hefeweizen or dunkel weiss, let’s talk. That’s bad.
The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.