Swoonin’ for June: The Visiting Visionary

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Please give the month of June a resounding round of applause as she warms us up with her presence and booty. For your enjoyment, she’s brought with her what we’ve all been waiting for: the start of summer, warmer weather, armies of ice cream trucks, slip-n-slides, the promise of summer romance, less clothing, and, as always, a slew of summer weddings. Don’t worry—she also brought the stars with her, and they have a plan to get you through the June Swoon. So are you ready to swoon for June, readers? I can’t hear you! (Probably because the sound is off on my laptop).


Gemini
It’s celebration time, my Gemini biatches! First, because it’s your birthday, which means you’ve managed to live another year without someone killing you because of your Gemini evil-sidedness. (You know what I’m talking about.) And second, because you’re either on the verge of love or knee-deep in it. If you’ve stepped into the love shit and are fully okay with it sticking to your new Pradas, then you’re in for a sweet month of romance, followed by a lifetime of love with someone who adores you and can tolerate your Dr. Jekyll twin (as long as she puts out). And if you’re on the verge of love, you better get ready to jump bungee-style into a summer of loving you, loving me, loving you. It’s gonna be a hot mess of hotness and there’s probably a threesome in your future, so you’re gonna want to wax it up Brazilian-style.


Cancer
Don’t shoot the messenger, but the stars have it out for you this month. They say that you’re going to be invited to many, many, many weddings this month. They even compared the number of weddings to the uncountable amount of stars in the solar system. Eeek! But, they also have a plan for you. They suggest that you invest in one basic outfit that you can wear to all the weddings. With that crazy imagination of yours, you can find all kinds of fun ways to accessorize the crap out of it and make it look different for every wedding. Plus, you’ll finally get a chance to pull out the Bedazzler and Puffy Paints you’ve been holding on to.


Leo
Mars is chillin’ in your sign this month and it’s going to give you an extra boost the way Red Bull gives that little illustrated man wings, or the way Viagra gives men … well, you know what it does. In fact, you might want to pick some up because you’re going to be meeting a lot of men this month, of ALL ages. Single Lions should take full advantage of these man-meetings. Instead of limiting your sites on the Best Men at weddings, go for the entire wedding party, and maybe even the limo driver if he’s into it. Just stay away from the ring bearer and anyone else under the age of eighteen. Married Lions should NOT take advantage of all these men (unless you’re into polygamy and are ready to take a new partner) but should still stock up Viagra.




Virgo
Congratulations, Virgo. Right now, the stars are giving you the slow clap in response to the positive attitude you’re sporting despite yourself. And it’s not the STD kind of slow clap. It’s the kind of clap that gradually builds to a standing ovation and you’re receiving it right now. Why? Because you’ve figured out the real reason that every bridesmaid dress is doomed to be hideous: it’s because the bride looks all the more beautiful when the girls standing next to her are covered in ugly colors of tulle, lace, and sequins. It’s a code that all brides adhere to no matter how “chill” or “down to earth” they might seem. It’s a conspiracy and you’re onto them. Now take that great attitude and your new bridezilla knowledge and start empowering bridesmaids with the right to choose their own bridesmaid dress, one maid at a time.

Libra
You could be the diplomatic Libra that you are and attend every wedding you’re invited to this summer, whether it’s for your college roommate turned Facebook BFF or the overly affectionate barista couple at Starbucks. Or you could just say, “Screw this, I’m not spending $75 on candlesticks and butter dishes just so I can sit at a table with random people, eating overly dry chicken, in a dress that cost too much money that I won’t wear again because it will remind me about the horrible wedding I attended for a person that I didn’t even know, just because they invited me, and because I secretly hope that someday I might get married and will want everyone to attend my wedding so they can buy me candlesticks and butter dishes and truly understand my wedding pain.” It’s that easy.

Scorpio
You’ll need to keep your willful personality in check this month and remind yourself that not everything needs to be a competition. So what if another woman sports the same dress as you to your friend’s wedding; we all know that you wore it better. And who cares if you catch the bouquet or not; it doesn’t really mean that you’re next in line to meet your Prince Charming, and the flowers are probably already wilted anyway. It’s not a trophy or an omen. It’s a small bouquet of depression-scented flowers that will fill your lonely apartment later that night with feelings of insecurity, regret, and self-pity. So let somebody else do the flower catching this wedding season; then you’ll be able to wear that dress again because it won’t be stained with your mascara tears. Bonus.

Sagittarius
Don’t waste time asking yourself why your sign is half man and half horse. So what if you’re a manimal? You’re a good-humored, free spirit and you’re probably well-endowed. Instead, focus your efforts on finding ways to sex up the slew of wedding line dances you’ll be doing this summer, because someone special will be watching. Maybe you’ll brush elbows with Mr. Right during the Chicken Dance or Boot Scoot Boogie into Emmitt Smith from Dancing With The Stars. Either way, you’re going to want to have mastered the Macarena before you step onto that parquet-wood floor.

Capricorn
You see things as they are, grounded in facts and unclouded by wishful thinking. And that’s a good thing, because what the stars have to tell you this month is not what you want to hear. They said to tell you that you’re never going to make lighter tributes acceptable at weddings. Yes, weddings are emotional and you might feel moved by all the love stuff, but it’s strange to hold up your Bic lighter in tribute to a couple at their wedding. And they don’t want their wedding video to have you, erect in your seat, gently waving a Zippo lighter next to their Nana, partially because her hair is probably flammable, but also because it’s just weird. So cut it out before someone unfriends you.

Aquarius
You are a visionary. You’re progressive, imaginative, and inspiring. And it’s all these great traits that make you the perfect candidate to solve the most troubling question of the wedding season: Why there are so many little pieces of paper in wedding invitations? Why is it so complicated to put all the information we’ll need onto one piece of paper? What are we supposed to do with all of these glorified Post-it notes, bind them into a book? And how may baby trees’ lives were destroyed for a gold leaf-embossed map? Please, please, please, Aquarius, help us solve this monstrosity of nonsense. The stars and the world will thank you for it.

Pisces
You’ve been swimming around in a tiny fishbowl of self-pity again, Pisces, and it’s time that you raid that little plastic treasure trunk and move yourself into a bigger bowl, a bigger pond, or … something. You’ve got to stop looking at Facebook friends and comparing your life to theirs. They’re probably lying about the “amazing sunset” they saw, and who’s to say that their wedding photos aren’t Photoshopped? You need to get out this month and make some post-worthy moments of your own. Lie if you have to, just get back to swimming in some happy thoughts so you don’t go belly up.

Aries
Impulsive Aries, this is not the month to be casual with love. There could be serious consequences for being hasty with those funny feelings down you-know-where. For example, you could end up armed with rifles at your shotgun wedding in Arizona, divorced by Independence Day, and singing “Single Ladies” at a Karaoke bar alone at 10 am. Or worse, you could get knocked up à la Rosemary’s Baby. It could happen. It has happened—how else do you think the world was blessed with the beloved cast members of Jersey Shore? You’ve been warned, Aries.


Taurus
You really need to use your head this month and give your heart the heave-ho for a bit. I know that you’re no math wiz, so let me break it down for you: If you go to five weddings this summer and you have to travel to each of them, stay in hotels, rent cars, and buy gifts for each of them, you’ll spend roughly $3,000. And that’s if you do it Red Roof Inn-style. And what if you bring a date? You could quickly find yourself in the $5,000 range, because you’re going to have to up the ante on the hotel room if you want any post-reception sex. Think about what you could be doing with that $5,000. You could buy five ponies with that money or get custom his-and-her Segways for you and your date. Think about it. The choice is obvious.


Emily Strand is Astrology. She’s studied everything-zodiac from equatorial coordinate systems to the continuity in David Fincher’s Zodiac film. What can she say? The girl knows her stars.

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