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How Did I Get Myself into This?

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I don’t know why I started this I don’t know how even, it all happened so fast. I have always struggled with my weight, since I was very young. I have had many people call me fat and many other names. I just got sick of being so big. When I first started purging I was about 240, I now am 173. I have been doing this for about four months or so. I can’t remember. When I first started I had said it would only be this once and that turned into more after about the 4th week. It was every meal every day. I started to get concerned because I knew it wasn’t right so that’s when I decided to tell someone. So I chose to tell some very close friends from church. Well after that I had wished I hadn’t but its better I did in the long run. I would say I’ve been in recovery since then. It’s amazing how much control Satan can take over you thru an ED in just months. I have been as many as seven days without purging and I can’t wait tell I can go more than that. I’m working on it.


Christmas was the hardest. I went completely backwards and now I have to start over. Nobody knew about my struggle when I went home so it was so easy to just eat what ever and how ever much I wanted and then get rid of it. And the way people reacted to my new looks felt good I haven’t gotten that much positive reaction my whole life. (Not that made things better.)


I have started counseling with a lady from my church and it has made me realize a lot about how the enemy can distort things. I think I am going to tell my mom about everything because I don’t want to give the enemy any more reason to have a foothold on me. I had been telling people that low calorie intake was the reason for the weight loss when asked, although partly true, it’s a lie. I have realized that this also feeds off secrecy and so with God by my side I am going to try to tell the truth. I am scared about a lot of things. I don’t want people to look down on me or to gossip about me but I am going to believe that God is going to take care of everything. My biggest fear though is gaining weight.

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