The pain has been absolutely unbearable lately. It rears its ugly head every day, every night, every moment. The pain pills cut the pain somewhat, but not enough. The creams cut it somewhat, but not enough. The muscle relaxant helps because it knocks me out. I sleep for hours, and there is serious drool involved. I know I am a sight for sore eyes. Is that the ole saying? I think so. No matter what, I am sure I am a sight.
It’s funny; I used to be so conscious of my looks, my appearance. My hair was styled; my makeup was securely painted onto my face. Of course it was painted in such a way that all my imperfections were covered, and I looked natural. My clothing was corporate for work, comfortable for play. I was conservative in my dress and style. I was down to earth in my personal life. I am still down to earth.
At least I maintain some sort of control of my life! I’ll take what I can get. Even if its crumbs of my old existence. Now I try to wear normal clothes. I try to wear something other then loose clothing. I can’t stand to wear pants or shorts on my left leg. Anything close to my skin is too much to bear. So I change back into my nightgown after an hour or so in the morning. Before I change, I wait. I hope the pain and irritation will lessen after awhile. I long for it! But I am not so lucky.
One day last week, I wrote my feelings and thoughts down on paper. I hope it makes sense. My therapist told me I should share it, not keep it tightly bound inside my soul like I have been for the longest time. Maybe it will help to put it out there. Maybe it won’t. But, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t try.
How long before the ache starts? It feels like a deep, deep ache, all over my body. First the ache hits my legs, then in my arms, then all over. Then the prickly feeling starts. It feels like my nerve endings are dancing on my skin. They dance an evil, nasty, smirking dance of fools. They are happy. They get to play. They play my expense. MY expense! I am so tired of it. I am so very tired. Why? Why? Why do I have so much pain? Why does it ache so much?
The ache is so deep inside my legs, my arms, my whole body. The ache gets deeper. How can that be? How? The ache starts slowly; just a bit in the left thigh. Then it spreads. It is like an evil demon in my skin. It spreads to my hip, into my buttock, and down my leg over and over again. Then it hits my knee. It settles in my back. It decides to travel up the back into the cheek again. It creeps down my leg again, into my toes. But the toes are numb, not aching. I don’t know which is worse.
I try deep breathing, in … out … in … out. It’s funny the pain starts stabbing in my thigh. It is a “not so” subtle reminder. It is as though it screams out to me, “Don’t go too far away into a happy place now. We need attention!” I slap more cream onto my pathetic body. I rub it on my leg, my back, my hip, my buttock. I slap it onto my shoulders; they hurt too. After-all, I’ve been out of bed for awhile now. My body is rebelling. I can’t reach my upper back, especially near the shoulder blades. It is so maddening!
I take a hairbrush, put a washcloth around it. Can I reach? I twist and turn. My body hurts more, but I am able to rub a tiny bit on the unreachable spot. It’s worth it. What the hell. What’s a little bit more cream? I don’t feel it after a while. Maybe I am just used to it. I can’t get used to the smell though. Maybe I need a different kind. Sigh. More money spent. Will it ever be paid back? I doubt it. But I have to try. I have to try. What else is there if I don’t try? I am empty enough. If I don’t try, what is there left of me?