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I Need a Better Vehicle to Drive This Road

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I hadn’t really thought about the date. We all are bombarded with cancer information all the time. I had learned to tune out the commercials, even change the channel on TV when another came on. But here I was right in the middle.

Some thought it was some sort of omen that I would return at this time. They said it was my time and I should spread the word about early detection, prevention and the “cause.”

I didn’t want to but I couldn’t get way from it. I had lost one associate while I was off, talked to a great deal of others about their experiences. One lady had been diagnosed and told no one. She had a teenage daughter who was graduating and she didn’t want her illness to overshadow the girl’s accomplishments! I could understand that. Another woman, the wife of a co-worker, was diagnosed shortly after my return to work. I have never met her, but discussed her several times with her husband, with whom now I have an uncomfortable kinship. Too many to even name. It was everywhere … I hate pink!

Pink everywhere, fundraisers, events of all kinds that I wanted nothing to do with. It was very discouraging. You may not understand that. That’s what I felt. I know now I felt that way mostly out of guilt. 

Why was I Ok when so many others were dying. My life seemed so umimportant when compared with others.

I just tried my best to get into a routine and keep busy. I couldn’t work full time at first, short days that were mostly spent discussing my cancer. Actually, work was merely a reason it seemed, a reason to be forced to face this. And the days went on, I got stronger.

That first month was as hard for me as the original diagnosis. I cried everyday. I was always on the verge of breaking down. I hadn’t taken any narcotics for some time now, but the relief that they would give was very tempting. I stayed away from them. But I did use a mild tranquilizer, and learned to love them. It kept me from screaming “don’t talk to me about my cancer!”

I still have a hard time with it. Although it is better. Only now can I talk about it and not feel the urge to run away and cry. Only now can I do a benefit and feel glad and proud that I was saved. Even honor. I now can feel honor that I was saved. I haven’t decided what I can do with that. Maybe somewhere in my heart that is why I became a minister. Am I supposed to help other people?

I had (still have) trouble helping myself. I’ll have to think and pray and hope that God does in fact have a plan for me.

He had put me on this road and I had navigated it pretty well so far. I had to keep going. But this was not the last issue I would be having. Sow many bumps on this road.

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