I’ve been on bed rest for the past 4 days ... recovering from a frightening fibro flare. In case the word fibro or flare is new to you, it’s when the pain dragon enters your body and inflicts stabbing, burning, riveting, mind altering pain. As if that were not enough, the pain dragon confuses your mind—you suddenly don’t understand the simplest statements—that is if you can actually hear them. Your body is no longer functioning by your thoughts and commands. I could hardly climb the stairs to my bedroom and when I got there I needed help to change into my sleep wear. Oh, how wonderful those sheets felt and the pillows that my sweet husband surrounded me with. The meds were a good thing too. Thank God for meds!
I had gone to see my doctor—let me back up. As the extreme over-achiever I am,I dragged myself to work in pain convincing myself that I had to be there to support the War-Fighter. My job is important and this time of the fiscal year everything is a priority. Not only am I an over-achiever, I am very patriotic. I work for the Army. At any rate, after leaving there for my afternoon doctor’s appointment, I was able to hold it together until my doctor entered the examination room and asked, “Bev, what’s going on?” Every cloud broke and the tears rolled uncontrollably like a thunderstorm. I was a mess, y’all. I must have sobbed for minutes before uttering all that was wrong with me and my world. I hurt everywhere. My entire core was blazing in pain. Blinking was painful. So, as I sat there dumping it all out, Bethany (my doc) comforted me and assured me as she always does ... “We will get through this!” It’s not just the pain that fibro causes, but more severely is the loss of cognizance and the ability to speak the words that seem to be right on the tip of your tongue. My mind was foggy to say the least and I was so forgetful. Add to that vertigo. I was a complete nervous breakdown, crying in a box of tissues, crazy acting mess!!!
It feels good today to publically state that I am NOT Super Diva! I am NOT aging gracefully. (That has to be the topic of another article I will write soon) I can NOT do everything! There! I said it! It’s out there in the universe and I will not take it back. When in the world did I decide I had to do everything, be at everyone’s beck and call and place me last? I simply don’t remember when that started … maybe it’s the fibro fog. Whenever! That is over. I guess you can say I had an epiphany! I think of it this way. There is this bus. The bus is my life. I have assumed that since the bus is my life, I’m supposed to be driving it. Well, looking back on my life, this bus has had a lot of repairs, mishaps on the road, wrong turns, even been in the shop a few times too many. Parts replaced from abuse and neglect and it has not always run on a full tank. In other words, I have dogged my bus out! No wonder it kicks me to the curb and leaves me standing in the heat of an Alabama summer! Ok, so as I ponder all of this I see a pattern. The common denominator y’all ... is me! I know as much about taking care of a bus as I do about building a space ship ... that would be zero.
While lying in bed this week, I made myself a promise—no it was stronger than that. It was a commitment. I ain’t no bus driver and I am moving my behind to the shotgun seat! God created me, He knows me and I trust Him. I don’t need to lead; I just need to learn to follow Him. I desperately need peace in my life. All the things from yesterday are gone and I lay here a mended woman. A woman understanding that my Father wants to help me. He wants His daughter to lean on Him. I do NOT have to do everything on my own. I have a family who loves me and has tried many times to show me that they are able to be there for me. The support and caring and comfort they all provided this week is the reason I can sit up at my laptop this evening and write this article. I love my family and more important ... they love messed up me. I can be abrasive, determined, fierce, in your face, but today I am me … calm, loving, caring, mentoring, delegating, praising, smiling, prayful and loving my life even with the pain dragon lurking around for another attack. Guess what Pain Dragon ... BRING IT! I have a team of people whose love will endure me through it all. You will NOT win.