I’d like to warn you that my story upholds extreme views on eating disorders and it’s probably best if you recovering not to read this. In addition most people may find some areas offensive and contradictive. But with all your respect this is my story, my feelings and my way of expressing them in the hope of understanding and insight into yet another victim of an eating disorder.
Ok, so I’m like any normal teenage girl a little conscious about everything, looks, dress sense, bitches, and weight. All these factors are present in a majority of teenagers. However about a year ago I became very emotional about my looks and weight. First of all it was mainly looks, changing my hair all the time the style, changing my clothes trying to fit in with the popular girls at college, all thin and pretty of course. It wasn’t until just before my holiday I became obsessive about losing weight, I heard of Pro Ana through a program on channel four and due to the little time I had left I decided to follow the Ana regime. But really, at the time it was nothing serious my outlook on being thin changed from one day to the next sometimes really serious and other times not so bothered but I still thought of it. After my holiday I had put on weight as I just decided to enjoy myself and the food especially as it was my first holiday abroad for ten years. Then I saw the photos of me. Ugly. Fat. Fat. Fat. Size 12-14 and fat. I couldn’t believe I’d let myself get like this. I became depressed and each month I tried I only lost little bits of weight.
Now, here I explain my title. The phrase our derives from one night me and my best friend spent together. I became so down about it that I decided to share to her how I felt. To my surprise she looked happy and smiled. Her body language changed from slumped on my bed to risen up high as did mine. We talked all night and discussed Pro Ana and how we regularly visited the sites. Then all of a sudden we concluded that we were to achieve great success in becoming thin together. I felt so happy for a long time, inspired and strong. I was so surprised after my first week how strong I’d been sticking to less than 500 calories each day and exercising, I soon got a job waitressing and began burning calories quickly. I began to take laxatives after every meal and drank plenty of green tea-these where the strongest times where Ana ruled and I felt invincible. Generally even though lack of energy I felt happy as I was winning everyday…in the space of a month I’d lost a stone, then two months another and was at my lowest weight of 9 stone. I couldn’t believe it, my trousers that use to be so tight hung from my body, however I was still incredibly fat and my legs carried the load.
Yet my downfall soon followed. One day I went to visit my grandma with my dad and when I’d left I had a bag full of chocolate my stomach was grumbling and my mouth was watering. I kept thinking one chocolate bar can’t do anything. I’ve not had chocolate for months why not. As soon as I got home all my self-control was gone in a second along with the 3 chocolate bars. Man I cried so hard I hit myself and cut, I kept thinking I can’t keep it in. I can’t so I crept to the bathroom lifted the toilet seat and shoved my fingers right to the end of my throat. I gagged a lot and then out came a little bit of sick. I scared myself so I flushed the loo and didn’t think of it again.
Then came the vicious circle of mine. I’d met Mia that night (pro Mia-bulimia) and she wasn’t going away. After meals I felt good that I could now make myself sick so I did I threw it up, not all of it as I wasn’t sure how. Then I began to think well why deprive myself from luscious foods if I’m going to be sick anyway. So a few nights I’d come home from college and make myself a sandwich and then have some nibbles. That then turned into toast sandwich and nibbles, eventually the binging escalated up to the point where I couldn’t control it. I’d start eating lunch at school again and then I’d go and be sick in the toilets, going missing at college nobody really noticed much as we all spoke to different people so there wasn’t a certain group around.
Me and my friend inspired one another and she tried to get me off Mia as our aim was to be Ana. Her dance teacher began to see the signs in her as she was losing weight faster through Ana, people at college began to get suspicious of us both due to a certain system of messaging that they had read, and one night I was questioned by my friends about it, and I lied and I said I was fine, when I wasn’t, alone I struggled/struggle with bulimia. The bulimia is begging to take its effects the weight has come back on…I can’t exercise because I’m so tired, but I’m in a cycle I can’t break out of. It’s so easy just to binge but so hard to purge it ALL out. I feel like I’m out of control and I can’t get it back no matter how hard I try. Everything has become a blur and I just seem to exist to one day to the next, I can’t enjoy anything feeling this fat and filling my body with such wasteless amounts of unhealthy food. Me and my friend will keep going, it is our aim and our goal, at least we have one another and we will become the new thinspos for people around. I however even though a suffer of bulimia do not promote it, bulimia took over me without me wanting it too-yes I did stick my fingers down my throat, yes I do it but I don’t want to. I’m in battle and I’ve got a lot ahead of me. I’m hoping that soon I will be thin, my life long dream will come true, as now I’d still easily be called curvy and plump no problem, people say it. So I can’t fail, if I do I fail to my friend I let her down, she has not let me down she has kept going must keep strong for her. It’s so hard to break this but I will conquer. I must.