I was searching the internet tonight regarding my anxiety, and terrible thoughts I have about myself or shall I say the thought of others not liking me, thinking that I'm strange, weird, dumb…Basically a long list of negative thoughts.
So I remembered to swing by this website which in the past has provided me with some great advice.
First I'd like to say that writting down my thoughts kind of helps to organise this messy mind, and to understand what it is that I am feeling. At times i'm not quite sure what makes me feel and be so negative, but at the end of the day I believe it is a no brainer – lack of self esteem, self love. Now why I feel like this about myself I do not know. I have all the reasons in the world to be confident. I have a job, a house, a healthy family, and some very good close friends, and a new boyfriend. But at times, I feel alone, powerless and consumed. The thoughts are so many, and to an extent irrational.
Lately, as soon as these thoughts invade my mind i just talk back to them "stop. enough. no more thinking like this"…but they still creep up, and make me feel sad, anxious, nervous.
My previous boyfriend gave me unconditional love. I felt safe to discuss these issues with him. I trusted him, however, I was selfish and stayed longer in the relationship because even though I did not want to marry him he made me feel balanced. Eventually, I broke up as he deserved someone who could love him for the amazing person that he is – he truly was/is amazing. I wish I loved him, but for some reason there was something missing.
I now have a new boyfriend. But I am constantly worried that he does not love me. That he does not care. that he'll cheat. That I bore him, annoy him with my mass anxiety..and so forth. He's a really nice guy, and I am fully aware that my behaviour (needy) can potentially drive him away. I'm so cuddly with him (opposed to with my ex), and tell him quite often how much I like him. But everytime i come home, i think about every single conversation we had and wonder if i said something wrong to him or to his friends. I am constantly looking for others to approve of me, and for some reason I should be able to approve myself – but i dont.
I m constantly struggling to understand myself. I feel like I barely do. Solely that im this very anxious person. Ive had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which helped me tremendously regarding some habits I used to have. But whilst those habits are now sort of under control…I feel that my thoughts are spiralling. I feel that I need inner peace, and find some sort of hobby that will give me satisfaction. But at 25 living in an expensive city, i tend to think that i cannot sign up for anything. I recently cancelled my gym membership as I did not go for several months. But now with the early dark nights and cold evenings maybe the gym is the best place to go.
I guess Yoga/running and maybe joining a team could help me feel more satisfied and accomplished.
Does anyone know a female sport team for amaturesin central London?
thanks for listening :)