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Sanity ... Reserved

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It seemed to me that as the days went by and I did get stronger, that maybe … just maybe this would be ok. It’s easy to be strong when your mind is occupied with mundane things, like your job and the grocery shopping. But I was very weak and sometimes had thought process issues. Couldn’t seem to get organized and the days I had to work in court were sometimes very stressful. I ran around like a crazy person. The judge and staff I worked with in this occasional duty were supportive and forgiving. They knew it was hard.

But life at home was a different story. I still had two boys at home, one came and went a couple times, but I was still a mother and wife and had to find the reserves to deal with general life. I had seemingly endless doctor appointments and tests. I did have that brain scan as well as a slew of other tests … heart ultra sounds, bone scans, liver tests and all the blood work associated with these things. I grew used to the bruising and bleeding.

My husband works more than full time, my sons needed their mom, my other kids (who lived out of state) called often. I just reserved my sanity and acted like everything was ok. I was beginning to miss the dog who had died, we had gotten another to keep this one company before she died and this dog was becoming my confidant. I remember waking up to her sleeping in my bed with her head on my legs. None of my dogs were ever allowed on my bed so I was surprised and almost angry for her disobeying me. But I looked into her eyes and understood that she understood. She knew that I needed comfort and she was willing to take a scolding if need be. I didn’t scold her. I got into the habit of napping with her on lunch hours (I lived very close) and this was a great comfort to me. I got her a friend and they got along famously. I was actually looking forward to the weather breaking and watching these two lovers interact in our yard. I had to find positives anywhere I could.

But then treatment time came around and the cycle started again. Thursday treatment (my friend Mike took me and we smoked pot coming and going!), Friday bone boost shot and I was able to drive myself, then work for the rest of the day.

I was expecting and prepared for the side effects, I started the nacotics early this time, both for relief and for fun. Hey, I was sick so I’m entitled, right?

I had decided that I was going to work as long as I could. I was keeping up, I was looking good … whatever. I was getting by and for a moment felt I was going to conquer this.

The doctors began discussing my heart issues and how close the tumor was to my heart. That scared me, but I kept going and tried not to worry, kept up the moderate exercise. I worked almost full time but when I was off I took up painting (on glass windows), cooked more though I rarely ate, did as much stuff outside as both time and health permitted. And before I knew it and before I sobered up, this treatment time was over and I was looking forward to about ten days of feeling ok … high but OK.

I was able to reserve my sanity one more time. For how long I didn’t know, but today I was sane and productive and had a really nice round head … or so I was told. What else could any woman want?


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