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Sanity ... Reserved

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It seemed to me that as the days went by and I did get stronger, that maybe ... just maybe this would be ok. It’s easy to be strong when your mind is occupied with mundane things, like your job and the grocery shopping. But I was very weak and sometimes had thought process issues. Couldn’t seem to get organized and the days I had to work in court were sometimes very stressful. I ran around like a crazy person. The judge and staff I worked with in this occasional duty were supportive and forgiving. They knew it was hard.

But life at home was a different story. I still had two boys at home, one came and went a couple times, but I was still a mother and wife and had to find the reserves to deal with general life. I had seemingly endless doctor appointments and tests. I did have that brain scan as well as a slew of other tests ... heart ultra sounds, bone scans, liver tests and all the blood work associated with these things. I grew used to the bruising and bleeding.

My husband works more than full time, my sons needed their mom, my other kids (who lived out of state) called often. I just reserved my sanity and acted like everything was ok. I was beginning to miss the dog who had died, we had gotten another to keep this one company before she died and this dog was becoming my confidant. I remember waking up to her sleeping in my bed with her head on my legs. None of my dogs were ever allowed on my bed so I was surprised and almost angry for her disobeying me. But I looked into her eyes and understood that she understood. She knew that I needed comfort and she was willing to take a scolding if need be. I didn’t scold her. I got into the habit of napping with her on lunch hours (I lived very close) and this was a great comfort to me. I got her a friend and they got along famously. I was actually looking forward to the weather breaking and watching these two lovers interact in our yard. I had to find positives anywhere I could.

But then treatment time came around and the cycle started again. Thursday treatment (my friend Mike took me and we smoked pot coming and going!), Friday bone boost shot and I was able to drive myself, then work for the rest of the day.

I was expecting and prepared for the side effects, I started the nacotics early this time, both for relief and for fun. Hey, I was sick so I’m entitled, right?

I had decided that I was going to work as long as I could. I was keeping up, I was looking good … whatever. I was getting by and for a moment felt I was going to conquer this.

The doctors began discussing my heart issues and how close the tumor was to my heart. That scared me, but I kept going and tried not to worry, kept up the moderate exercise. I worked almost full time but when I was off I took up painting (on glass windows), cooked more though I rarely ate, did as much stuff outside as both time and health permitted. And before I knew it and before I sobered up, this treatment time was over and I was looking forward to about ten days of feeling ok … high but OK.

I was able to reserve my sanity one more time. For how long I didn’t know, but today I was sane and productive and had a really nice round head ... or so I was told. What else could any woman want?

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