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All Balled Up Into One

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I have all these emotions inside of me, mainly negative. I cannot see the end of the tunnel. For me it’s scary because I have to fight from taking a bottle of pills and sleeping until Sunday. I have been sad, disappointed, worried, feeling pressured all week long. No one even understands why I am feeling like this. I am so angry at myself for allowing people to use me and walk all over me. I allowed them to do this for fear of being alone. On top of feeling like this, I am constantly rejected. I cannot speak about the reason why I feel rejected and unloved anymore because it is getting pointless. All the yelling, screaming, sleeplessness, fussing, and just plain laziness has brought me to this point.

I never ask for help; it’s not pride, it’s simply because people can’t help me if I don’t help myself. Today I cried and argued. I am being made out like I am crazy, stupid, and ignorant. It makes me feel so belittled when I tell someone something and then they make me out to be a liar and call me a liar. People say things and do things, but when it is revisited about what was said, I am always on the other side, being attacked in so many words. I am now so disassociated from the outside that it feels like I am having an out-of-body experience. I know I have done things and I have lied, but recently I have been made to look crazy and out of my mind.

My brother told me it was my responsibility to take care of him and his family because he did it for me. The only difference is I did not use my brother and I didn’t wear out my welcome. I got hurt at work and someone made a comment about worker’s comp. I told that and was basically made out to be a liar. I made it up. My boss told me to file unemployment and I did. I have been struggling and in turn, she goes back on everything she said and once again after all she said to me and flipped the whole story. My whole point is I am now trapped in deciding whether I should apologize or did I really misunderstand? Am I wrong? No, I am not. But I am now being looked at as someone whose words mean nothing. I feel less than a woman at this point. Demoralized, beat down, uncared for, and unloved. This would all be cause for me to go in my purse and swallow all of my sleeping pills and never see another day. I am tired of living like this. I am tired of being looked at as if I am the one spreading lies about what people say to me. I have no one to confide in because I don’t trust anyone. At the end of the day, I am still filled with anger and regret and all I want to do is leave.


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