Am I There Yet?

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Am I there yet? This is something is ask myself daily. I wake up wondering if today I will be there. Where you ask? I wonder sometimes too just what I mean by that too. But I believe that I am wondering if today I will feel complete, whole, belonging. Like I have finally reached a spot in my life that I feel I have been looking forever.

I always have had a nagging feeling that I am looking at life through a one-way glass window. Feeling that I wasn’t really alive or there. Feeling that I didn’t belong. I have thought many times that I am too self-centered and self conscious about my life. This feeling could be attributed to my lack of too much involvement in anything. I have found that I fear the thought of long-term commitment. I will gladly offer a hand to help anyone. But join a cause! That is too much commitment for me. Not sure why I feel that way. I would need to do some deep soul searching there. Or see a shrink.

But then I remind myself that I have been married a long time. There is some type of major commitment there. What’s that all about? Of course this is a second marriage for me. Too much commitment issues in the first one?

Child rearing is also a major commitment. I have reared three children, and loving my four grandchildren. I don’t seem to have too much fear here. You just say yes to babysitting and the rest is history. Grandma is very committed to her family. Maybe I am over stressing the “fear of commitment” here. I may be worrying too much about nothing.

I guess maybe after some thought I may already be here or there. Wow … or … maybe … I have some sort of temporary amnesia and every day I wake up having forgotten the previous day’s soul searching and go through this question all over again?

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