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Appropriate Parenting of Self and Others (Part 2)

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Self-parenting is expressed from the position of self-survival or self-growth. We focus on self-preservation because we suffered as children. We were not inspired or validated in order to find self. We were inspired and validated in order to meet others needs, as well as not to meet their needs so they could shame us … rescue us from our pathetic state. Taking care of others, as well as self, creates the illusion of power, the illusion of investing in the rituals of caring for self, that which creates structure and financial freedom. We do this inappropriately in order to create the illusion of survival and growth. But these external sources of gratification are the ones that typically pull us together or upwards in life, but at the same time pull us down.

Parenting self is realizing the neediness of our inner children, the nurturing of our mother and father egos, and creating healthy limits and boundaries from our adult ego. In all of us we have a needy mother, father and child. In life we move through all of these all the time. We move through them to create the illusion of feeling valued and safe. But we typically come across a place where we get stuck or start to feel like life is tumbling downwards. We must acknowledge these areas and relearn how to reparent them in order to move past them and grow. We must do this by coming from a place of love, empathy, compassion and nonjudgment. The only way we can learn about and heal our victim wounds, is to revisit them, reparent them and finding out who is really responsible for them.

Below are some other examples of parenting self
A. Parenting self is the capacity to forgive our judgment and our reactive behavior, and realize it was necessary for our self-realization.
vi. We learn from all
vii. Mom and dad did they best they could with what they had
viii. Regrets … if I had to do it all over, this is how I would do it = sorry = ashamed = we get to be shamed from you experiencing your shame = lets grow up together = experience life and grow with each other to a new realization
ix. We must fight, that is appropriate parenting = agreeing to disagree = fighting fair = you don’t own the consequences of what was said
B. Parenting self is the internal or external dialogue used to criticize harshly or embrace gently the process of our life.
x. The idea that parenting is gentle words = we learn it is judgment and pain = “spanking” you, but it hurts dad more = we attach his language and behavior as love = allows us to seek this out to stand tall, so others feel small
xi. We crave whatever behavioral experience we got from our mother and father

Parenting others
We must understand the consequences of parenting others, realizing when we parent, others often surrenders the parenting process of self. When we over parent our children, the child will give up parenting self. This allows the child to go through life giving up and hating life, but in the end points the finger at you. The internal blame comes from a place of meeting your needs and the child will begin to make you responsible (as you have taught them to) for everything good AND bad in their life!

Excessive parenting of others reveals an internal dialogue that says, “I am not enough to parent myself” (the Rescuer). This equates to, “I need my mother and/or father in order to feel good enough about self. This happens because the child does not know self, cannot meet his/her own needs and has been meeting your needs throughout their life. They learn how to parent or not parent themselves through you.

Getting others to parent us is the external dialogue of the internal victim (if you can’t make a decision, or don’t trust your own judgment). If you are unable to make decisions, think about why. Who has made them for you your entire life? If you can’t make a decision, you don’t trust your own judgments. From there we get advice, which is equivalent to loosing your own choice and choice to parent self. Thus always requiring others to make decisions for you to meet your own needs.

Don’t teach others to earn your pride, but rather to feel the pride in themselves. We must learn to meet our own needs in order to allow other to experience us. Everyone that we come upon in life is there to teach us something. Whether we see it or not or choose to ignore it. But we are here, as is everyone, in order to teach others to value themselves by appropriately parenting them … allowing them to experience them!

Learning the appropriate language of parenting
Listen for the internal chatter and notice the voice of how you heard your mother and/or father. Speak in the car, talk to yourself, and listen to the internal chatter. The key is to figure our which needy person, mom, dad or inner child is speaking to you. The ego is always going to keep you busy, but your job is to figure out who is talking to you and who can you learn from.

Choose not to judge your parents’ behavior since the experience was your own interpretation. Everything in life is about perception and experience. You don’t know your mom and dad. All you know is YOUR experiences of your mom and dad. You don’t know what they really said, you only have your experience of it. So remember to come form a place of empathy, nonjudgment, compassion, and love when learning how you were parented. Remember, that your parenting is all about how you experienced it.

Learn the compassion of realizing your parents did the best they could through their expressions and omissions. Acknowledge how they parented you and learn from that on how you reparent yourself. Learn the message from your parents and grandparents that their wish is for you to live well. We all do the best we do with what we have experienced in life. Our goal is always to support our children, always wishing the best. So begin to realize that even though you might have experienced their parenting one way, your parent’s main goal was to teach you what they learned so you don’t have to suffer … and what you learn is all based off of your experiences of them!

(Part 1) | Part 2

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