Becoming Whole Is My Goal

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I am not a whole person. I am just a mere piece from being complete. Do I walk around on this earth acting like I’m all that? Absolutely! No one will ever know that I’m vulnerable and experience a great deal of hurt. Only I know that I’m not the cold and inconsiderate person that I portray. I conceal my screams when I can’t keep life from kicking me in the butt. No one is privy to any of my weaknesses. Fooling people is my specialty and I do a damn good job of it. I stroll around giving off the impression that I’m confident and in charge of my destiny, but I constantly run into brick walls. Only other people who are not complete get off on how disrespectful I can be, because our common ground is doing evil deeds. On many occasions I am seriously put to shame when I try to intimidate someone that has a grip on life and won’t tolerate my ignorance. Daily I battle to conquer the mean spirit that has a choke hold on my life, but it seems so much stronger than I am. Sometimes in the middle of acting horribly towards people I feel like a fool. I am left to wonder, who taught me to act so ridiculous and why did I stick around and learn how to do it so well. I am such an expert at this foolishness, but now I am becoming so uncomfortable in my skin when I act in such a negative manner. Being an incomplete person has so many disadvantages I have discovered. Smiles are replaced by frowns and trust is nonexistent. I don’t trust because I can’t be trusted. I never give what I get in friendships and my fake smile’s exposed by my blabber mouth eyes that I am only pretending to feel joy. I give hugs and compliments only when a circumstance commands it. I’m always sort of happy, this emotion is never felt to the core. I can sum me up by saying that I am pretty much a pathetic soul that’s tired and weary from being trapped in a negative body. But I am not so blind that I don’t see that I need to make major changes in my life. Humbly I will surrender to the process that will make me worth knowing. I will practice being kind. I will embrace change for my own good instead of fighting against it. I will learn to say nice things to people and about people. I will learn to love and receive it as well. I will open up my dark heart and it will be like opening curtains to let sunshine into a room that has no light. I know this will not be a quick fix because I will progress and regress, but I’ll continue to move forward. To this day I still wonder why like myself so many people choose to be unkind. All of us know that in God’s Kingdom there is no room for malicious people. Why do we sacrifice our salvation so easily? We hurt and step on each other without regard. From now on when I’m in the presence of another human being I want to give them the respect they deserve and smile sincerely for who I have become. A whole person. 

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