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Being a BBW

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I have been overweight my entire life. I could tell you endless painful tales about my journey as a fat woman. I will touch on some of them briefly yet try not to get into great detail. As a child I quickly turned to food for comfort as I felt it was my only friend. I was being sexually abused by my mother’s favored son and I was constantly ridiculed at school due to the fact that I was a roly poly little girl who was dirty, smelly, and poor. I was a bed wetter and my dad was a grouchy and intolerant man. So, I had no one to run to, no place of safety or comfort so I turned to food. It was all I had.


I was ridiculed all through elementary school and all through high school. I had a total of three friends my whole life up to that point. I was totally shy and didn’t really feel acceptable to anyone or worth anything. You would think it would stand to reason that that pain would drive me to make some changes like dieting to lose some weight. However, that was not the case with me. I was so used to being sad and feeling hopeless that I thought it was normal. Besides, the comfort and pleasure that I found in food was simply too much to resist. So I just spent most of my time alone, lying around feeling sorry for myself and eating. Oh, how I wish I had been stronger or smarter.


I found God in my twenties and got married when I was thirty-one. I was blessed to be married to a wonderful Christian man who treated me with respect and never, even to this day, has spoken a bad word to me. I ended up divorcing him. I found out all kinds of excuses and reasons to divorce him. However, after a couple of years I had to take responsibility for myself. The first step was to seek treatment for depression. See, I was so used to being sad and feeling bad that I thought it was normal. My husband had even urged me to seek help after my miscarriage but I thought it was ridiculous. I had reasoned that I had a hard life and a pill won’t take away my sadness and hopelessness. A boss of mine had later explained to me how a lifetime of wrong thoughts can mess up the chemistry in my brain. This made sense to me and I went online and took a test for depression … and I ran to my doctor and got treated.


Wow … what a difference. I felt like a new person. I began to see things from a totally different perspective. I tried to get back with my ex husband, but he had remarried by then so it was too late. It took me another year and a half to grieve over my loss and I had a hard time getting over blaming myself and the guilt that ensued. I went back to the doctor and got my dosage upped on my depression meds … another sense of renewal. I think I am at “normal” now. I don’t feel the sense of hopelessness I have felt my entire life.


I still have a long long way to go. I am extremely overweight and out of shape. Sometimes, I have to ride the cart at the grocery store because my body hurts bearing all this weight. My back is one of those things that really bother me. This makes dating hard because I am unable to do much physical activity. Plus, there doesn’t seem to be any big line ups of men looking for morbidly obese women … unless I want the weird kind with gross fetishes. I don’t. I recently experienced some outright rejection from a date. He seemed to like me but his teenage son made fun of me after I left and now the guy doesn’t want to see me. Can’t really express how painful that is. The trouble is, this isnt the first time this has happened.


Anyways, I’m not gonna let it change my plans to improve myself. I am no longer driven by a sense of hopelessness. I am the only one who has the power to change my life. There are some physical activities that I have been dying to do all my life such as rollerblading entire trails, hiking and going on nature walks…and who knows what else? Someday I would like to find someone to love again. I don’t think I’m gonna find him ‘til 100 more lbs … but when I do, I will love myself more and have a lot more to offer him. Hopefully I will make friends too. Thanks for listening to my story.

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