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Breakdown ... Breakthrough

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February 14, Valentine’s Day, marks the end of my former life. Somewhat cliché I know, but I hate Valentine’s Day. Everything about it. This may be because I cannot remember ever having one of those tons-of-roses, dinner, candle-light, yada-yada-yada nights like most girls seem to have. One year I got running shoes ... another year I got taken to dinner and not at a fancy restaurant. I wore my sweats. This year was also the first year in three years that I didn’t have someone to share it with.

Yes I am single; no I am not known to spend many nights alone.

I didn’t expect much of anything this year, a text maybe. But as the day wore on, something started to sting just a little in the upper left side of my chest. There are a couple boys in my life that I should have gotten something from, some type of acknowledgment. I call them boys because that is just what they are, not men. A man would not act in such a way toward any woman regardless of the relationship or lack there of they are in. In a fit of anger and hurt, I deleted them all. All contact was now gone, except from two of them. I kept them because, as much as they were using me, I was also using them. I also felt more of an attachment/detachment to these two. I think because rules and boundaries were previously set and I knew what I was getting into. After a day of yo-yoing emotions I put myself to bed early and turned my phone on silent.

When I woke up the next morning, to my dismay, I didn’t have any missed calls, messages, Facebook wall posts, nothing. I’ll admit I was crushed yet not surprised. I know I taught these boys how to treat me and the fault was mostly my own for thinking otherwise. I started recalling the last couple months and how my life was going, not only did I not get a simple“Happy Valentine’s Day”from these guys, I also never got a “Happy Birthday,” “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Hanukah,” you get my drift … So what made me think yesterday would be different? I learned that regardless of how much I think I am worth something, that I deserve something I can only get what these people are capable of giving to me. No matter what I want or expect, I will never be anything more to them.

I made the decision to really stick with it this time. I will do everything I can to make sure that this does not happen to me again. I will not teach boys to treat me in a way that makes me feel less than happy to be myself. No matter how lonely I get or how much I miss this one’s kisses, that one’s good morning serenades, or the other’s ability to make me laugh. I will ignore the call, I will say my last goodbye and know that I am not losing anything but dead weight. I am gaining strength, knowledge and self-love without them. I will leave them behind. Besides, I kept two around so I’m not totally out of luck.

Tonight was my first test, I passed. I declined the invitation, explained my reasoning, and wished him well.



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