I was watch Oprah yesterday and I had an “ah ha” moment. All this time I did not understand why I like up with people who really don’t care about me. I am co dependant because I was abused and rejected. I have the tendency to push away the good and go for the bad so that I can feel sorry for myself and cry. Abandoned emotionally by my parents rejected by my mother. I have issues that go all the way back to my childhood. I may never be okay or “fixed.” but now I see and I understand why I am the was I am emotionally and I also understand why I can’t be in a relationship longer than three months with someone good.
When I got beat, I wasn’t allowed to say anything to anybody. I would cry and it would get on everybody’s nerves. I remember standing in the living room and hearing my dad tell my mom I wasn’t his daughter. I remember when I saw my friends and my mom dressed alike. My mom would send me away. As a child, all I wanted was love, acceptance, and attention. It was dysfunctional and that because of the choice my parents made.
I went into relationships out of desperation and I just gave up. I was sleeping with a drug dealer who also was on cocaine. I didn’t care but it made my feel good being around him. He was all wrong. He hit me twice, kicked me out of his house and his car. Then I began to get quiet because I didn’t want him to get mad. I started to be scared of him and I could not tell anyone because he denied it all the time. I broke away. When I was in the third grade my dad had beat me and i had a cu ton my leg. My brother went to school and told the nuns He beat me. I was scared and I would not say anything. When my dad died, I became numb. My mom was all broken up and she really stopped taking care of us. She was abused too.
Now when I get mad I get mad. I have two kids. There was this one time my boyfriend who is also my kids father was going out and I got mad. We were living together. My daughter stared crying she was three. And I picked her up by her arm and threw her in her room. Then she got in her bed and was crying because I hurt her and she was scared. I punched her in her back three times. An hour later, I got both my kids dressed and we went to church. I feel bad for doing that to her. Really. This is all because of my dad beating me and me not being able to say anything. It comes from me as a child searching for help and no one was there. I was not protected by my parents. I don’t feel like I was messed up. So now that that I know what can I do to fill these voids of abandonment, abuse, isolation, fear, rejection, and what ever else I find out. What am I going to do with codependency and pride? I look at my brother and he lives with me and because he was one of the main ones who looked to protect me, and he couldn’t. I don’t ask him for anything. Wow Ah ha moment. So now time to go to work, all the way back to when I was little and fill in those voids so I can learn to love myself and not feel like I am worthless.