Could it Be ...

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Could it be I have really no interest in men anymore because they are all one in the same? Faithful to a point. Then they turn into babies. I need, I want if you don’t give it to me I am going to tell your mother. Come on now we tell mothers to cut the cord when it comes to their sons but what about the men who grow from boys to grown-up boys never really treading on the grounds of manhood. I am not man bashing but I am just saying, like damn!

I realized really quickly that this last relationship would turn into nothing. Basically because he is an older man who is very loud. He likes lots of attention, even to the point where he does stupid childish things like fusses when I say no to him. He is disgusting because he does not groom himself. I am a decent, responsible, and independent woman who has a son and daughter to raise all alone. What kind of influence would this male or any grown ass boy be for my son? My daughter wasn’t feeling him at all. And I see why. Because she felt like he was pulling me away from her and she was right. He wanted all of my attention. He wanted me in his bed naked so he can lie on me and pump nothing. Yes he had a very small un-erectable penis and to mention he was a horrible kisser. I can say he was the worst of the worst.

On top of the bad sex, he was still married and she still came over late nights. I stopped the sex early winter because I got tired of having to put in the hard work for nothing. He got mad at me every time I asked him about the so-called separation. Legally, he never did it so to me they were still married and no one in their right mind can get over a person you spend close to twenty years with. It took me up to the point to where my kid’s father third baby was born for me to finally get myself together and move on. When I moved on I had no intentions of dating going out or being in a relationship. I just wanted sex and that’s what I got from someone else. The problem was I am not wired to give half myself in mind body spirit and soul. I am not cut out to do it. Mainly because I believe in love. I do believe two people, whether man, woman, boy, girl, cat, dog, whatever can love one another and be intimate with one another.

It clicked to me today while talking to my best friend, love is in the middle of all you do and if it fits then it fits. That’s the happily ever after. Not waking up after six years of being in with someone and saying I don’t love you anymore. It wasn’t love from the beginning.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t hate all men. I would just prefer to not to commune with any of them on an intimate level. Money, power, or respect does not motivate me at all. It really does not matter to me if there is no love that lives in between all of those.

Healthy love wakes you up in the morning looking forward to seeing the one you love. An unhealthy love causes you to gain weight and causes you to be tired and run down all the time, causes you it isolate your self, causes you to spend money on meaningless things, causes you to drink until you get drunk and then sends you into and endless tailspin till one day you wake up and you mind body spirit and soul are all in chutes with one another and all kinds of thing have come into your life. You do just plain old stupid things when love in unhealthy.

DivineCaroline is a way for me to vent. This is a crazy world we live in. The closer I get to menopause the less tolerant I am of men who are unaccountable, irresponsible, and just sad. In my teen I craved love and got raped. In my twenties I fell in love with someone all to leave him to spend six years with someone who cared nothing about me. In my thirties I grew into the person I am today. Getting closer to my forties all I want to do is settle down with my children. If I get another chance to love like I did in my early twenties with my first love then I know it took this long and I will enjoy it. I want to get married and have another baby.

Only God knows my next move. I know at this moment nearing thirty-six years on this earth, I want to work at home raise my kids and live free. That’s all.


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