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Dear Mother … I Am Sorry but I Am Not as Good as Brother

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Dear Mother,

Life is precious and you taught us not to waste our time on discretionary idleness of the world … well, that was what you told Brother. I do agree with what you said all my life and now that I have grown up I begin to see things more clearly. Mother, I am sorry but I now realize that you had only focused on him … even your oldest daughter knew too. You were very fond of him because he was your only son.

Come to think of it, I always took the advice you gave him and pretended that his awards and his compliments were meant for me. You were very proud of him and he made sure that every mom would have envied you. He brought home many medals in sports and an accumulated five inches thick portfolio filled with certificates for ranking first in class. I saw it once but never again … I guess you though I might ruin those papers when I was just a little girl. I don’t hate Brother; believe me I don’t. He was the only one that took the time to tutor me when I brought shame onto the family.

When I was still in your tummy … just a couple months old you got into an accident and would have lost me but you didn’t. You took some pills to relieve the pain without knowing that you might harm me. When you finally realized that I existed you panicked and wondered what would have become of me. Doctors told you to abort because I can be either deformed or retarded … just someone people might not consider normal … just someone you can’t take out to shopping malls because people would stare. Despite the circumstances you kept me and I am grateful. However this letter is not to thank you for life but to let you know how much I have suffered in the shadow of Brother.

I turned out to be a very loving and a good student … one who was quiet, meek and a good listener but I was not a bright student. Brother took me under his wings and began to teach me everything he knew, whether it’s math, science or even how to play football and make a paper airplane. I looked up to him like a hero since he was always with me literally … and you know it … he’s always in my pictures. However, sometimes God take away the persons we love at such a random time. I have finally begun to excel in my studies when he was diagnosed with chronic kidney failure. I was probably just ten years old at that time and believe me it broke my heart when I came home and saw absolutely no one at home. I had to live with my aunt but I was still unhappy … how could I be when he wasn’t around when I was supposed to take my big exam. Somehow I passed and I know he was proud that I managed but you were angry because I didn’t even make it to the top thirty. I am happy that I got to spend at least three years before he died but he missed my primary school graduation, my high school graduation and my attendance to university. I know he is very proud of me even though you don’t think I am nothing compared to him. Many mothers envy you but you don’t see it. They see a beautiful, warm, loving, gentle and very intelligent woman while you see only the resemblance of him on my face. Is that why you don’t look at me much when I speak? How can you not be happy for me … you said you are proud but I don’t feel it. I graduated as top five in primary school, third in my class at high school and entered university with a scholarship with a cumulative average of 3.59 and I know it will continue to excel … but I see no satisfaction in those eyes.

I am really tired of trying to impress you … I am truly tired. Your hunger for wanting Brother back is affecting everyone. I know it is hard for you … I can’t imagine the pain you go through since I have enough already … I do not know the burden you carry around. I simply need to tell you that I am not the perfect daughter you wished for … I have good grades and a clean record but I did suffer from a slight depression, a lot of fatigue, made couple of bad friends and got wasted on alcohol but don’t worry I didn’t try anything illegal nor did I abort any babies. I’m sorry but please do not continue to act and treat me this way because I am tired of living in this tower. I know you love me and protect me from a lot of things that are ugly in this world but I want you to open your eyes and trust me. I simply want you to love me for who I am and not what you think I am. I really love you a whole lot and believe me I won’t abandon you because I know you’d need me and realize who I am in the future. I forgive you for hurting me emotionally … I know you didn’t mean it … neither me nor Brother. It’s been five years since he died and we all are recovering at a very slow pace so I don’t really blame you for what you have done unconsciously. I hope that everything will become better for us one day so we must all hold on to memories but move along this life … there is more to it.

With all my love,

Your baby daughter.


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