Discovering Single Life and Myself (Part 2)

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To catch some of you up to speed:

I will start by introducing myself. First, I am a twenty-one-year-old female and you can call me Starr. Since I was able to date I have, for many reasons, always felt the need for a guy in my life or have always had one. This never left time to understand myself or what I really wanted. Most times I never went looking for these relationships, having someone ask me on a date has never been an issue. The issue was I never learned to turn down dates to find myself.

So with all that said, my path of self-discovery starts with my first attempt to move away and out of a serious four-year relationship. Let’s call him Tom. I had met Tom when I was eighteen. He was a manager where I worked and we hit it off fast and began falling for each other quickly. Let me add, I had barely ended my past relationship and therein lays one of my first mistakes.

The next four years would consist of things moving too fast, an engagement at nine months in, and me trying to be someone I wasn’t so as not to feel like a failure in my relationship. After the first two and a half years, I realized I didn’t know myself well-enough to be ready for a marriage and what this relationship was offering. I realized that I did not know the man I loved as much as I thought. I would like to say to everyone—take the time to really get to know your mate before rushing yourself; it will save you time and possible pain. In my situation I had found he lied about many things when we first started out, being too afraid to reveal them or tell me the truth. Also, he was seven years older and belittled me often because of that fact. What started as a passionate, loving relationship turned into a series of game-playing and emotional abuse.

Now About Two Months Later:
Learning to depend on me and only me was a bit of a challenge for me; I was so used to having a partnership there for me in every aspect of my life. There were many nights where I was tempted to give Tom a ring just to help fill the void of emptiness and aloneness. I found you really need to find something to do with spare time or it can have you darting back to old ways. So I picked up a routine, the best thing I could have done. I began having a workout schedule and cooking time, consuming dinners to keep busy.

But there is only so much you can do to keep busy before you go insane and want actual company. I am a very private person but I started to understand sometimes you have to reach out to others and step out of your comfort zone to gain good friends. In doing so I gained a nice handful of good friends that wanted to be there for me and helped me fill up my empty time and void of aloneness. Keeping to this “new me” of keeping busy and getting a life attitude started really booking up my nights and weekends fast. Before you knew it, I was going out more then I had ever done when I was living with Tom. In fact, some people believe they were truly able to get to know the real me now that I was no longer under the constant stress of my relationship, Tom.

As for Tom and I, we still are seeing one another and, well, he has taken up some counseling sessions to try and take care of himself. I believe them to be doing him well, his temper is a little less even, and he’s learned I cannot complete him. In order to feel and be complete, he must find that answer from within himself.

So my time apart from Tom has taught me how to talk to people again, how to focus on me, and take care of me for once in a long time. I have even taken up rock climbing as my own personal way of therapy. For me, every time I defeat a wall, it is like overcoming something on a personal level. I am very much afraid of heights, so I feel if I can overcome my fear on the wall with myself, I can overcome some of my fears in my present life.

(Part 1) | Part 2

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