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Fear, that troublesome emotion

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FEAR: a concern about something that threatens to bring bad news or results

One of my best friends from colleges' ex-husband committed suicide recently. I am so sad thinking that he ended his life probably thinking he couldn't live anymore. Drugs are ultimately what killed him. He was sober for years before falling back out into the world that is somewhat familiar to me. Although I did not live in the street drug world I did self medicate because of a failing marriage and the fear of living in that marriage. The fear of leaving that marriage, the fear of failing my children, the fear of ruining my life anymore than it was already, the fear that I left, the fear that my relationships with my family changed. The fear that I couldn't have a life I dreamed of, the fear that no one saw me as a broken woman and the fear that others wanted to control me.

Fear controlled my life for most of it when I think back. I lived in fear almost every day of my life. As I child I was in fear of my mom and her mood swings, never knowing what I was walking into after school. Living by the rule if mom is happy everyone is happy. All I really wanted was to be loved unconditionally but never felt that from my mom. I don't blame her I believe with her mental illness she was incapable of loving me unconditionally. I know my dad loved me unconditionally and I did feel safe always with him around.

The fear kept creeping up in various situations in my life. My first boyfriend stole money out of my mom’s purse when I was 13. I remember feeling so broken by it. My body went into complete shock. I trusted him and he helped me during difficult times with my mom because he saw her in action. But, still I feared my parents would never forgive me or him. However, I wanted him for some reason and he came in and out of my life for 12 years.

My next boyfriend, my first real boyfriend was when I was 19 and he was controlling and abusive when he drank. He hit me on 2 occasions always apologizing for his behavior and I did believe him but it again put me in complete shock. I feared that I wasn’t a good girlfriend that is why he got angry. He died in a motorcycle accident shortly after we broke up but it still hurt so bad and caused me to grieve for quite a long time. I only got over his death by telling myself over and over, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan.

I finished up college but not before getting attacked on the street in front of my apartment. That gave me a new kind of fear; fear of people jumping me. I still fear people coming up behind me.

I had a good 3 years after college before another type of fear entered my life. At 26 years old my hair fell out. I went completely bald and wore a wig for 1 1/2 years. I was diagnosed with Alopecia Areata. I not only lost the hair on my head but eyelashes and eyebrows and most of the hair on my body, although I didn't have much body hair and what girl would complain about NOT having to shave her legs? I believe stress and the fear of failing, not having a college degree worthy job, was the cause. I was in constant fear of it not coming back and how I would live my life with no hair.

I started dating my now ex-husband shortly after I was wearing a wig. I believe my fears of living as a bald woman and the fact I grew up in a dysfunctional home left me destined to marry him. In the beginning I thought the fact he was smitten with me was great. He seemed to be the strong silent type. However, he was always blaming everyone for his bad situation and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I believed he was a great guy that had a lot of bad luck. What I found out during my marriage is that he wasn't the strong silent type but rather a cocky jerk and controlling one at that.

As I watch my ex husband live through our son with baseball, knowing our son is quieter and more reserved I fear someday my ex will use it against him. I know our son will be a great baseball player if that is what he is meant to be. Besides I l believe he is still growing into his talent. I will not let fear interfere with my son succeeding in baseball. I know my ex-husband enjoys watching our daughter because she is the aggressive athlete that he was, that is what he likes to see. Aggression on the field shows talent to him. I know my daughter will do well because she is a go getter. My daughter doesn't have the fear on any field whether it is soccer, lacrosse or softball.

I will not let fear rule their life as it has ruled mine. I need to overcome FEAR and not let it overcome me, anymore!

EileenMarie…………… Being Me.

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