My story is very complicated and challenging and I’m in the battle to fight the abuse and the characteristics that are learned with abuse. Cycle I am seeing is all too clear when my girls come to obstacles in life. I’m thirty-nine and I have four beautiful girls. My abuse started when I was nine. My father and stepmother smoked pot with me and my three brothers. So I actually have many types of abuse. Which stem out to convictions and addictions and characteristics that are not understood in society. I didn’t recognize my behaviors to cope until the trail of self destruction landed me in a detox center alone. Desperate to find out why life was so hard and there was no end to the pain and desperation to be loved and understood then I was thirty-six. That’s when I found out my behaviors were self-destruction, relationships were abusive. As a mother who swore she would never abuse her children I became incapable to stay clean therefore came neglect. I gave my three girls I had at the time to my stepmother because I was losing my apartment. My attentions at the time were for the best interests of my most prized possessions and only thing that was important to me. That was my worst mistake.
My girls were not neglected to where there was no food, or dirty house, we had much love and bonds that would never be broken. I myself had to be better I was not well and my belief was my babies need safety and security. So I let go with the promise from my stepmother she would care for them while I started my journey to stop my behaviors that I didn’t recognize until I was clean. I had no love or confidence in me I didn’t realize that I was my own worst enemy. Still emotionally nine, trust was one of the problems that I had. I would pick people who were most likely to use and abuse me. Therefore alcohol was my friend and my biggest destruction behavior that would often get me in trouble even if I was the victim of my current abuse. I took abuse and packed it in with the pain of hiding it I would drink seeking numbness. Only to have a twisted and unclear feelings blow out of control hurting myself and looking like the abuser in my relationships. I couldn’t find out why trouble followed me everywhere until one day sitting in prime for life looking at my record seeing that if I don’t drink trouble disappears. Part one of my story.