I sat at my dining table this afternoon, staring outside feeling very defeated and very depressed. My husband was standing at the door in front of me, but, I didn’t want to look at him or hear him. He had been working eighteen to twenty hour days all year, and I looked at him and didn’t really recognize him. A lot of that is in my mind, I feel disconnected, I don’t have the faith or trust that we are gonna be together forever. He does though, but he hasn’t been burnt by me, I have by him a couple times. The last ten years of my life have been, horrible, starting with my dad’s death after a long suffering illness and then the only way was downhill from there.
Everything from bandits attacking us, to heart illnesses, to anxiety and depression, to job loss, to breakups, relationship issues, you name it—I’ve been there. Do you know what it is like to be afraid to swallow you food? I’m over that now, but that is just one of many fears that go through my mind. I thought as I was sitting there, why is god punishing me and all of a sudden it came to me, “I am not punishing you, you are punishing yourself.” See I am overweight, and find food very comforting. The thing is, I wasn’t always this way, but because of stress, food is the only thing that allows me to escape for a little while, when it’s not food, it’s sugar stuff, like tea with lots of sugar.
Let me get to the point, I am procrastinating. This is my confession:
When I was between six and ten, I stole a candy bar from a grocery store.
I lied constantly throughout my whole life especially to get out of trouble.
I started having sex at the age of nineteen, with my first boyfriend, because he said he would leave me if I didn’t have sex with him, and that we were gonna get married anyway, so it didn’t matter, if we did it then or after we got married.
After that, I thought sex is what you had to do to keep a man. So with my second boyfriend we had sex all the time, even though I didn’t want to, I did it to keep him. One time we thought the condom broke and I started that same night to take stuff that I thought would prevent me from getting pregnant, the day after I went to a doctor who prescribed tablets and for the first time in my life, I had an internal exam, and it didn’t feel right. I took the meds and they made me feel sick, and my father was the one to take care of me and I never told him the truth, he just thought I was sick with some bug or something. I feel guilty for lying to my father. I don’t know whether I was pregnant or not. It was the day after the condom broke so … I don’t know if there was a baby or not, I feel very guilty about that. I may have had an abortion and not know it.
That guy left me about six months into the relationship and I didn’t take it well. I kept going back to him, and having sex with him over and over again, and then for about another six months after he left me. I lied to him and told him when we first broke up that I might be pregnant. I was lying. I lied and told him I had an abortion. I lied. I tried to keep him in my life for a long time after he left me and of course he had sex with me every time, cause he didn’t have to make any commitment just have sex with me. I don’t remember how it ended meaning how I stopped going to see him, but it did eventually. I was really hurt; I thought we were eventually going to get married. We had nothing else in common but sex. But I still wanted to marry him cause I was afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. And even though I didn’t love him, he had money and his own business and that was good enough for me, even though he was a horrible person.
When I met my final boyfriend, my husband now, I did the same thing, the first time we had sex, I didn’t want to but I thought I had to, to keep him. So we kept having sex all the time, during our relationship. One time again, we thought the condom broke, so next morning I went to the pharmacy and got an over the counter pill that made my period start to avoid getting pregnant. A second time, I did that, I have no idea if a baby was conceived or not the night before. I feel very guilty thinking about that now. Twice.
Right before I married my husband, my first boyfriend who was in and out of my life right through from nineteen till now, was around again and I was still in love with him, my husband never knew. A few weeks after we got married, I started seeing my first boyfriend again, even though he was married and I was just married. We kissed a couple times, never anything more. That ended within two weeks.
So lets see, lies, pornography, possible abortions, cheating, lying to my father, having sex before marriage, stealing, are the things I have confessed to.
I need to forgive myself for those things. God already has. That’s the trick I guess.