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Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

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For many days now, I have contemplated what the inference really means. I am sure Sir Elton John and I do not have the same ideas. For me, it spells the grand Adios to what is left behind in Kansas.

It was a Monday morning in March of 2002 as I recall. I had systematically pared down my belongings to the point where I could get what I needed in my Toyota Corolla, loaded it, bid my mother goodbye, and headed down the road. I laid out my route which would lead me to cross into Oklahoma on Highway 99. Just as I crossed the State Line, the song “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” came on the radio. A tightness came into my throat and then I sobbed. I was excited and also fearful; I had never lived in a town with a population over 20,000 and here I was on my way to Tulsa, OK. The only time I had ever been in Oklahoma before was on the Interstate through Wichita, KS and Oklahoma City on my way to Dallas.

After living in the Tulsa area for a short while, I found I was struggling with a feeling I did not understand. I felt this inner trembling, known to many as anger. I had lived in an atmosphere where control was necessary. I had never spent any time of note from my family. I had a difficult time knowing what to do with this “new” sense. In truth, it took me many months to be able to admit to myself that I as in fact, fury, Rage. Next problem, why? How could anything I been through caused me to feel rage? I had already been working on my healing process through Holographic Repatterning for some time and I diligently continued so I could get to the bottom of the upset.

During this time, I worked for a glass cleaning company, as a security guard, graduated from massage school, and did some construction work as I could. I worked on myself and with others using this Repatterning method. More and more I realized to a small degree that many things my father had caused and or done precipitated the feeling of anger. To add to my frustration, as I finished massage school, I found out I had cancer. Cancer, by the way, is the result of “Deep hurt. Longstanding resentment. Deep secret or grief eating away at the self. Carrying hatreds. ‘What’s the use?’“ (from ‘You Can Heal Your Life’, Louise L. Hay).

These describe my understanding of where I had been for years. Living in an abusive, alcoholic home is very much like being in a prisoner who is physiologically manipulated. I began working at age nine and I tried very hard to please and be the very best son I could be. The various types of abuse abounded throughout my life, continuing into adulthood. For me, “Goodbye yellow brick road” means leaving the slave-like condition to hard labor and excessive abuse. There are other things that the idea of the State of Kansas bring up in relation to the yellow brick road, but that is a topic for another day.

Today I am still working on dealing with WHY I am still here and WHAT good I have yet to do. The munchkins grew up, the wicked witch is very much alive,an the wizard is still powerless to create change. As I wait for the color to return, I hope the pallor does not become too much to bear. Ironically, in the movie, “The Wizard of Oz” the open and close have a lack of color, is idea of being with family a source energetic death even as we desire to “get back there”?

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