Happy Birthday To Me

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Hi everyone, my name is Judy. . It’s 12.15 a.m., June 3rd, 2007 Australian time. .  I was born in England fifty four years ago. . I feel it is time for me to write about me. . Maybe it will help me come to terms with parts of my life which have been with me for what feels like forever. . On the outside I am a happy go lucky person. . Underneath, well, it’s a different story. . . Too many details may become boring. . But, I always believe, if someone has something to say then the listener should show respect to that person. . After all what the person is saying is important to themselves . . . Respect. . We all would love to be shown respect. . Yes?. .

There seems to be so many years of my younger life I cannot remember. . I can remember my father being a kind, gentle man. . He was fifty two when I was born. . More like a grandfather figure. . My mother was thirty seven. . A very bad tempered lady. . I was never good enough for my mother. . . I loved her and always wanted to please. . But, it seemed, I always did the wrong things. . She used to hit me and say dreadful, hurtful things to me. . She was disappointed I was a girl. . She was pleased when I left home. .

I married a man eight years older than myself. . He seemed to me he was a man of the world. . Was I trying to have someone like my dad. . This man was so quick tempered. . Extremely sarcastic. . He could also be violent at times. . I stayed with this man for thirteen years. . Always wanting to leave but I had nowhere to go. . My mother didn’t want me home. . I did eventually go back to my mother but it was made clear from the start I could not stay. .

I migrated to Australia where I had an older brother who took me under his wing. . We shared house for fifteen years until his death. . I nursed him for two years. . Looked after him. . It took until three months before his passing to diagnose Motor Neuron Disease. .

I became involved with a man nine years my junior. . He was a work mate. . I needed to have someone to hold me whilst I nursed my brother. . The man was an alcoholic and verbally abused me. . For the first time in years the feelings of being no good and useless came flooding back. . We were together for only three months but boy it felt like an eternity. .

Shortly after my brothers passing I met my ex’s brother. . He was six years my junior and was oh so charming. . Two and a half years later I had lost everything. . He hit me, kicked me, verbally abused me. . He was a bully. . Now I am with a man three years my junior. . He was so wonderful when we met. . Kind and funny. . Allowed me to be myself. .Two years with him I am now the victim of verbal abuse. . He comes back at me with “I’m only joking” when I tell him his words are hurtful. . It is getting worse and my childhood and ex relationships are now taking on a steady pattern. .

Was I meant to go through all the hurt. . Do I look for this in a man. . Is it all my fault. . Do I deserve to be treated like this. . I want to break it off with my present man but he has made me feel so useless I feel I have lost the nerve to leave. . Feel as without him I wouldn’t be able to cope on my own without his support. . I know I can as I have done it before. . I pray for the courage to be able to leave and go my own way. . Yet, I don’t want to hurt this man. . It is my birthday today. . Fifty four years . . I cannot believe I allow this man and my ex’s to treat me this way. . What is it about me. . Is there a stamp on my forehead saying MUG. . . One day. . I will do it. . In the meantime. . Happy Birthday To Me..




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