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How Did It Get Here?

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I have not had many relationships. I am the type of female who stays in for a long time and stays faithful while he cheats and disrespects me. I wanted to get married but not just for a blinged out day full of drama and nasty cake, to be with someone I love and someone who loves me. Only it never turns out that way. I am not needy. I go by my own rules and sometimes like being left alone. When I open up and come back, then I do.

I have not had a good picture of what marriage is. Coming from an abusive dysfunctional childhood, my quest for the right one has always hit the ground and crashed. My heart was broken once. Other times I cried out of feeling unloved, unwanted, and rejected. I decided to stop dating and looking and began praying for a man. When I had dreams about him he never had a face.

So then all of a sudden out of the blue here comes Antwan. Two weeks into the courtship he wants to move in and what made it even worst, he was a Libra like me. The phone calls started slowing down and he became secretive and then totally dropped of the face of the earth. One night I was on one of the social networks and he popped up. He wanted to be my friend and on his profile he said I was his wife. It was so flimsy. Like a rocking boat. Then a girl called my phone and began to say yaddah yaddah they had a baby and all this other stuff. I called him and asked him and he had no clue what I was talking about. Well, it was over. I stopped calling him and then in the middle of October he calls me and tells me he is out side my house and he wanted to come in. I let him in we talked and that was that. I told him to kiss my ass and he got up and left. I told him that because he knew he had a baby and yet he was one of those guys who fucked the world. So from April to October 2008 Antwan and me are in and out up and down

April 2009 comes and the weather breaks. Here comes this tall light skinned man who I noticed watched me every time I walked into the Laundromat. He asked me out. I said yes. Four months later, we go out. He took me to a bar with another female. He brought me a drink and brought me and the female who I knew back home and attempted to have a threesome. I ran fast out of the house. It was a bad relationship. He sold drugs and also got high on his supply. We fought each other and it all came to head when he told me he was going to kill me. I snapped. I tried to hurt him really bad. I didn’t see him for a long while. I thought he was either dead or in jail. He spots me walking down the street and attempts to talk to me. I don’t have time to talk. A day later I am on my way home from taking my kids to school and he is on the same bus. He breaks his neck trying to look at me. We got off at he same stop and he reached for my. All I can say is Thank God for the police! So from April 2009 until October 2009 I fought with a drug dealer who abused women.

April 2010, I am hurt at my job and I go on leave. In the midst of my leave, everything around me is falling apart. I lose my job. I am bedridden and I can’t afford rent or bills. I filed for unemployment and was receiving physical therapy. It sucked. Everything around me got worst. I was walking down the street and my neighbor stopped me right in my tracks. He told me to call a lawyer. I did. The summer of 2010 was me bent over from a herniated disk and bad back spasms.

All of a sudden I am in a relationship. It was all good in the beginning but Thanksgiving came it was bad. Christmas came and it was bad. He got really drunk and the sex was horrible. So after January this year, I cut him off. No sex, washing his clothes, buying him stuff, cleaning his house, and going out on dates. I stopped going to his house. Just Sunday we got into a heated conversation because he told he was legally separated from his wife. He is a liar. She still come over when ever she wants his daughter who is not blood stopped likening me and really I didn’t care because he is grown and so am I. I take care of me my kids and him. He asked me for $250 and I never asked for what. I found out that it was to get his wife’s car fixed and to give her money to help with her bills. I hit the roof. Now the conversations are no more than a minute he cannot touch me I don’t go into his house or step up on his porch. I put two and two together and he is still having sex with her and taking care of her. Am not an ignorant female fore one. For two I take care of him he does absolutely nothing for my kids and me.

I asked him what is so wrong with me settling down. I will be thirty-six in October and I feel like I am ready to settle down. He asked me to marry him and I never answered him based on the fact that he is thirteen years older than me he is set in his ways and he want a cook a maid and a prostitute. He is a momma’s boy and a kept man. I have the funds to purchase another house. I have the where with all to take care of everything for every one almost to where I find myself self-doing it to please people. I want to settle down. I am going to stop looking because I feel like my kids are getting older and no one can be what I need them to be. How did I get to this point? I let all this badness in to the point where I have no respect for males all around the board. Men are men and men are shit to me. I am not saying I am perfect because I made mistakes and did dumb stuff too. I never cheated I always loved with my whole self yet was always rejected and unappreciated. I look at my kids and I see I am not the person everyone claims I am. I am a good person. I just pick bad men. And it all started from my dad.

I had a good relationship with a caring loving person. My not trusting him caused me to not care and cheat. I got pregnant with my daughter. He wanted to raise her as his own. Only It would nit have worked because I felt like I wronged him and he didn’t deserve a bad person like me. I loved him and he loved me. I just wish I could take my kids and rewind my life back to 1997. I loved Kareem and Kareem loved me. He understood me. He appreciated me. We cared for one another. It was a good relationship. How did I get back to this place?

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