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How Do I Function with a Closed Brain Injury?

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In writing about fear; I have allowed myself to go back in time to a place and time of intense fear.  Acknowledging that I had to give myself permission was the first awakening that I don’t give myself permission to feel. Interesting thought, I’ll have to analyze this, think about it and then give myself permission to feel it. That’s a joke, I’m already working on. I just hope reaching back into the past and allowing myself to feel, won’t bring back the nightmares. So here go the feelings that are associated with fear in the past. I am not sure I really want to open this can of worms, but you can’t complete a journey standing still.
When I was in rehab for my closed brain injury I saw two types of people. There were the ones who gave up and either could not or would not try anything to get better. Then there were the ones who never gave up and actually did more than was asked of them. You knew they were going to make it. I also noticed they had anger about them, a drive to get better. Nothing was going to stand in their way, so sometimes anger helps you. If left unchecked it also destroys you.
What do I do with fear today; well it’s sure handled a different way. I have a new technique that I found that does help me. It is called Generative Touch and it is very easy to use. My preacher says what my sister and I do is a gift or grace from God. My analytical mind tells me it is a coping mechanism for the mind to use to heal it’s self. Either way it works, faith or science, they keep getting closer. So this is how fear looks now and what I do to release it, I will use a recent example.
I had flown to N.C. to say good-by to my son who was leaving for Afghanistan. And I was bringing back my daughter-in-law, and my grandbaby, to Ohio. I had not driven interstates since my wreck; actually I drive to places very close to my home only. I had developed a fear of driving. I realized my daughter-in law wanted me to help her drive home, so my only option I saw was to try Generative Touch. I lay awake that night in my bed at their house and went through relaxing all my muscles. Then I asked my body if it would work with me on releasing the fear of driving. Mentally it answered, yes. Now I carry most of my fear in my chest area, so I placed my hand on my chest and used Healing Touch and Reiki on myself. I visualized a beautiful white light coming from Christ through my hands to heal me. 
I visualized and replayed every sight, sound and feeling, and emotion I could remember from the time of the accident. In other words I relived the entire wreck with all of its five senses. I told my body to let go of all the physical spasms that had occurred. I also say my body as filled with emotional energy along with a spiritual energy. I saw the energy flowing through my body and at the time of the impact I saw that it had become splinter and shattered. It was sort of like it had exploded at the point of impact. It looked to me like a frayed extension cord, all the wires split and exposed. I told the energy field that the wreck was over a long time ago and that we need to let it go and move forward. That whatever reason we were here it was getting in the way of God’s plan. So I wove the frayed ends together in my mind and made the energy field solid and whole once again. I told the entire body that I love it and that it was now safe and it could continue on with whatever life had to offer. It is now over and done with and we need to heal and move on.
As I laid there healing myself I was wondering if it would really work. I pushed this thought away and relied on faith that I would overcome the fear of driving. When we woke up in the morning and I sat behind the wheel there was still a little part of me that wondered if it had worked. I pulled out of the driveway and drove ten of a twelve hour trip. Not once did I have fear or worry about my driving. There was no anxiety, no negative emotions at all, we had a good trip.
So fear has become manageable and I don’t need hate or anger any more. I just need to acknowledge, feel, heal, and release. Fear now is so much a smaller part of my life. Life is supposed to be a onetime journey, and in case it is, I want to go all the way or as far as I can to become a person of love, of light, of balance and forgiveness. So bring it on!
I have thought about fear and anger a lot. It seems to me that all traumas are boiled down to fear. Actually all emotional problems are a direct relation to fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of pain and abuse, fear of not being accepted or liked, etc. Fear we won’t have anyone to love us or accept us. Fear of anything that directly affects us in an adverse way. When we have fear we can’t fully cope and react to the situation appropriately.  It cripples us and clouds our judgment. We are like puppets on a string reacting to whomever or what made us fearful. Now anger on the other hand allows us to have a sense of some control and to be able to react. When you are angry you can lash out, fight, scream, and attack and even retreat. It gives us power. I think this is a natural built in reaction to the fear, like a survival mode. It may even save your life. It’s the fight or flight syndrome.  Appropriate anger is helpful and a good way to let out the emotion of fear. Love on the other hand seems to have to be learned. Very few people react to fear with love. I think it is something that needs to be taught. If we have no role model other than fear and anger then we stay in both emotions, they encompass our entire life and being. 
Anger allows no other emotions to be felt, not even the fear. It’s like a self medication. If you have no other control than anger then you stay angry to survive whatever your situation happens to be. Anger can also destroy you. You have to find a way to have balance in your life. I believe that you must be taught other acceptable reactions. If you are not taught other reactions such as love, forgiveness, or acceptance in your family or lifestyle setting you will continue using anger as survival mode. This will lead to an unhappy and unfulfilled life. You will only experience half of what life has to offer. It is up to each of us to find an acceptable way to reach and maintain positive emotions for a more fulfilled life.


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