“I’m sorry I have to tell you this. I went to see how she was doing. I don’t know what happened. It just happened. If you don’t want to be my friend any more, I understand. I just wanted you to know. I am so sorry.”
For those of you who have never experienced a gut punch before, those words were the sounds of my best friend (former) telling me that he had sex with girlfriend (ex). Over sixteen years ago and I can remember the conversation to the day. I don’t know what hurt worse. Hearing those words for the first time or hearing that he (along with a few others) slept my girlfriend more than once.
What happened after that was my supposed “healing process,” which consisted of me attempting to “get over her” while at the same time trying to salvage my relationship with my (former) best friend. Unfortunately, I didn’t make all of the right moves. After three years, I ended my relationship with my (former) best friend. I made good decisions with the wrong type of women and bad decisions with the right type of women. I was constantly doing dumb things.
In the end, I realized one fundamental truth. I had failed to acknowledge that I had a pain that hurt to the cpre. As a result, my healing process turned into my “knucklehead years,” as I spent the next five years ignoring the pain that the incident caused me. It was only through time, conversation, self reflection, a few cussing out sessions from my frat brothers and friends, and finally, my new best friend, my wife, that I finally came through the process.
Every one of us has had or will have a pain that hurts to the core of our essence, our spirit, and our well-being. Whether it’s the loss of someone you cared about, the betrayal of a loved one, or a significant life altering event, we will all have something that happens to us that causes us great pain. Listen, I’m not Dr. Phil or Oprah, but after being a dumb ass for a number of years after my painful experience, I do have some things to share (six points) that may help you move through your pain.
First, you are not going to simply get over it! This phrase is probably the most overused and misapplied statement of all time. So many times people (who are not going through what you’re going through at the time) tell you to get over it when they don’t truly have an appreciation of the pain going through at the time.
Second, just because you got tried, this doesn’t make you a punk, and just because you’re emotional, this doesn’t make you soft. When we have been hurt, our self esteem drops lower than the Arctic Circle. The hurt is further magnified if we feel we have been disrespected in such a way that we feel that we have lost our manhood or womanhood. Don’t feel that you’ve lost anything because you’ve been through something traumatic.
Third, don’t think it will get better if you just ignore it. Accept the fact that you have been hurt. So many times, we want to put things out of our minds and tell ourselves that if we forget about it and move on, we’ll be okay. Doing that is like turning the volume up louder in your car when your engine is making a strange noise. You can keep driving for a while but eventually, your car is going to break down. Accept the fact that you are hurt and learn from it.
Fourth, let your pain be a part of you but don’t penalize anyone for it. Listen, you’ve been hurt. This means it’s okay if you are apprehensive about going into something because of your past hurt. It’s okay to let people know “Hey, I got burned so I’m a little leery about doing this.” What’s not cool is putting anyone who looks like they may hurt you on your “hit list” and put the dawgs on them. Nah, man, NOT COOL!
Fifth, there is only one time line for your healing process: real time. Looky heya, STOP trying to put a time table on how long it’s going to take for you to get right. Every time I hear a person say, “I haven’t been doing this for … long,” I think “you still got some healing to do.” You have to be patient and accept that it may take longer than you think.
Finally, there is no magical end moment when the pain just goes away; just accept that it will all work out in the end for what’s best for you. This part may be painful but once you’ve been hurt, you may never see the day when memories of that pain or the effects of the hurt go completely away. Just trust that every burden that is bestowed upon you is really a brick for the bridges to your blessings.
