How Will I Cope?

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So the holiday season isn’t nearly here—it’s HERE, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for it.

This year, however, I don’t mean that all the gifts aren’t bought and wrapped and hidden away—what I mean is this: I’m newly single, and for the very first time in my fairly long (fifty-eight years) life, I’m alone during what is supposed to be the “happiest” time of the year—and I’m not ready.

Yes, I divorced him because I just didn’t love him anymore. Yes, it was a choice that I’d been trying to make for years and years and finally did. Did I think about the long term consequences and emotions that would rear their ugly heads after the fact? Sorta . . . okay, not really. And now, I’m alone on Christmas Eve, in a three-room apartment, wondering if anyone knows I’m alive. And feeling pretty sorry for myself, too.

I’m still finding that the divorce roller coaster is not done reeling me into these intense moods that make me just want to sleep for a week.

Of course, there are lots of moments that make me realize that my life will someday feel “normal” again—normal in that new way that was never imagined even a year ago. Things like the flirty remark from an appreciative man. Or, the helpful ways in which my new landlords (especially him) try to make my transition a little more seamless. And, most wonderfully, the quickening I feel when I set my eyes on the new interest in my life . . . the married one, unfortunately.

So, I get it. I really think I AM getting it . . .  it’s time to forget the replay button exists, and just look forward to that next opportunity, whatever it might look like. I just hope it isn’t so heavily disguised that I don’t recognize it.

I’ll be ok. On Christmas Eve, and on Christmas Day, and beyond, because there’s no one else to make it happen but myself, and I won’t let myself feel this way – rather confused, a little lost, and definitely lonely . . . forever.
 
I wouldn’t mind hearing from those of you who are experiencing the same, or similar feelings, for the same or similar reasons. I might learn something. So, help me out and tell me what you’re doing to find your path, and help me at the same time.

In the meantime, REALLY try to have happy holidays. I’ll do the same!

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