I’m Your Disease

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I hate meetings. I hate Higher Power. I hate anyone who has a program. To all who comes in contact with me, I wish you death and I wish you suffering.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am the disease of addiction—cunning, baffling, and powerful. That’s me. I have killed millions, and I am pleased. I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending I am your friend and lover. I have given you comfort, have I not? Wasn’t I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die, didn’t you call me? I was there. I love to make you happy. I love to make you cry. Better yet, I love when I make you so numb you can neither hurt nor cry. You can’t feel anything at all. This is true glory. I will give you instant gratification and all I ask of you is long term suffering. I’ve been there for you always. When things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you didn’t deserve these good things, and I was the only one who agreed with you. Together we were able to destroy all things good in your life.

People don’t take me seriously. They take stokes seriously, heart attacks seriously, even diabetes they take seriously. Fools that they are, they don’t know without my help, these things would not be made possible.

I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited. You choose to have me. So many have chosen me over reality and peace.

More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a twelve-step program. Your program, your meetings, your Higher Power all weaken me and can’t function in the manner I am accustomed to.

Now I must leave here quietly. You don’t see me, but I am growing bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I exist. But I am here … and until we meet again, if we meet again—I wish you death and suffering.

The first time I read this in treatment, I was definitely scared to death. All I wanted to do was run and hide. But during treatment, I realized that I couldn’t run from my disease; I had to face it head on, because the disease was actually me. I was my own worst enemy. That which kept me closed, ignorant, frightened, and alone. And after I faced myself, I actually realized that it wasn’t me that had the problem; it was the situation. And after starting to be strong enough to work on my situation, I found out that I wasn’t all that bad. So I started to love myself instead of being scared of myself.


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