I Am So Scared

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I understand you have a business and a sick husband and a daughter, and you are sick yourself. I understand that you have to protect your business at all costs. But what about me? I have two kids and I am not doing this for the sake of getting a lot of money or faking an injury. The doctor told me “if the pain is bearable” … well, it’s not. The X-rays show no tears or slipped disk but there is still pain. I have to live every day with bipolar, and the fact that people like you don’t take it seriously. I have no financial support. You have your family—I don’t and I am so scared. My mom is not on my side and she will see me as filing as wrong and burning my bridges at all costs. She would rather see me suffer and thinks I am just incapable of taking care of my children. I can’t even cross the street while she is driving because she will run me over. Yes, she hates me and wants me to disappear. I want to too.

I am afraid of your boss. I am afraid because I know you are a powerful woman like my mother and you will fight tooth-and-nail at all costs. I feel like You will crush me into the ground and I will never be able to recuperate and my kids will suffer and loose me in the end. I am going to have a nervous breakdown because I am so scared of you. And you like it, just like my mother likes when people are afraid of her.

I understand you worked hard to build you business and you have a sick husband and you have to take care of you because you are sick too. This is not personal. This is business and I have been treated unfairly. I have been thrown aside and pushed into a hole. You will always be fine. You have your family. Me, I am alone and my kids have me to fall back on. If I am not here for my kids then they will lose out in the end.

I had a choice but to go back to work and deal with the pain; and paralyze myself in the process. I am not strong. I was beat by my dad and beat up by my mom. Unloved, rejected, thrown aside, unwanted and it is the most degradable feeling ever when you think you have people on your side and you realize you don’t. I understand you are sick and your husband is and so is your daughter. I am not out to get you or anyone else for that matter. I am not here to bring you down but I am broken physically and no doctor seems to care. Emotionally I am ready to break because not only do I feel like I was treated like trash I feel like you used me up and lied to me and you really didn’t care about my kids and my mom is your friend. I am afraid of you. I feel like I am going to be hung because of who I am. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you anymore. As for my mom, I will disappear and she will never see me again.


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