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With that I Awoke

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Well it’s been quite a while since I have written anything. In fact it has been quite some time since I`ve created at all, at least the type of creation that surfaces from a contented soul. The works of my recent months have been those of torture and for once I don’t feel the need to go back there. That was my dark place and I tried to justify it with the ramblings of a broken heart, which was just a pathetic attempt to self-loath and give meaning to a pain that I subjected myself to. I called an abuser a love, an addiction, destiny, low self-esteem, a mistake. I called him all those things and more. I spent as much time in it, as I did trying to define it. I was immersed in a black hole of my own creation.

Simply put, I projected the value of myself into the opinions of a person far more tortured than me. I have an inherent tendency to try and please people with all of my energy, not all people, but certain people. I am not wise enough to look inward and tell you what it is about those people that trigger my attachment. Yet for some reason the only goals I seem to be capable of devoting myself to are ``love`` goals, therefore said people start manifesting within my very existence as a single-minded obsession.

It was with these years of soul-searching that I finally recognized that my only problem was myself. Since then I have accepted my inability to fail and let go, and ironically I found myself failing and letting go, and instead of being scary, unknown, or broken, I have become at peace with myself. I would be lying to say I am better or cured from this tragic flaw. I still find myself giving far more than I expect, or even want in return. I have the ability to take great joy and purpose from the pleasure of another, it`s not a selfless act by any means. I`m sure it may seem that way to some, even the objects of my affection themselves have felt they were taking advantage of my kindness, but make no mistake I get a high from it. Again I must reiterate that this is not the case with all persons, I have been known also to take whatever I can get from people as well; however also unintentionally. Life seems to have a funny way of creating these balances.

 The true wisdom or knowledge in my realizations of self comes not in the simple recognition of fact but in the ability to not only explore these newfound truths but to embrace and harness them. I am still discovering what exactly this would entail but my immense growth in the last few months has left me feeling overrun with a confidence, and a power I never knew I could possess. I feel that with this knowledge I may not be able to control how devoted I am yet I can be more selective in where my devotion is placed. I must also admit that the credit for this is not entirely mine it just so happens that I recently gave birth to my son and it was upon looking into his big blue eyes that I felt real unfaltering devotion. It was with that look that I realized that my happiness, security, and strength was to be directly proportionate to his and it was with that endless devotion that I found my ability to let go, not within me, but within my devotion for him. So with that I will announce that I survived not by means of the holy spirit, and excuse the double meaning but certainly not by the hand of the father, but the son, my son, now he quite literally saved my life. It is within that twist of fate that I found my salvation.


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