I Have to Do This for My Kids

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The first time I hit rock bottom emotionally I was on the verge of killing myself. I mean like deciding on whether I should slit my wrists or take four bottles of sleeping pills. (I was already taking like twenty pills a day). I would get up in the morning and could not wait for the day to end so I could go back to sleep and the day would be over. This was eight years ago. I was in a really bad place. My kids had no idea. I signed up for school.

One thing leads to another and I woke up one day and decided to end my life. I called my teacher and told her I wanted to kill myself and she told me to call 911 and go to the hospital. My family really did not care. I felt like my kids didn’t deserve me as their mother because I couldn’t provide for them. I committed myself and not even a week later I was taking 100mgs of Zoloft. I wasn’t hearing thing I was just sad all the time and then sadness turned into depression and feeling helpless and hopeless. My family turned their backs on me. I was taking 700mg of Zoloft and then one night I just didn’t care anymore. I couldn’t bear the thought of my mother not caring for me and making me feel useless and just plain old worthless. I took fourteen Tylenol PMs and feel asleep. The next day I woke up and I was still alive.

So now here I am again. I want to kill myself but the only reason why I haven’t taken a pill or sat on the edge of my bed with a knife is because of my kids. I am going to commit myself again. I have to. I am depressed pushed to tears all daylong I cannot wait forth day tom be over. I have messed up my relationships so bad. People are saying I am mean and nasty and saying really hurtful thing to me that are so untrue. I am a good person but when I feel attacked and backed against a wall then there’s no one to trust. No one to talk to no one to help me through this. Not even the church I attend. They will all tell me the same thing. Don’t commit yourself. I am not doing this for them I am doing this for my kids because they don’t deserve it. They don’t deserve an unhappy sad depressed mother r that feels worthless. They deserve a happy healthy mom.

My plan is to commit myself get help go back to work back to school and move. No more relationships! No more depending on anyone. No more opening up to the wrong people. And FYI all this started because the man I was with called me disrespectful and nasty. He called me mean and he told me no one else would ever do what he did which is put up with my attitude.

It all took me all the way back to hearing my mother say she didn’t want me my father say I was not his daughter because I don’t look like him my sister leaving me behind and my brother calling me white dirty gay we don’t need you don’t belong in this family. It took me all the way back to when my elementary years where I felt dumb and stupid. It took me back to when I finally heard my mom say she hated me and she wants nothing to do with me. And today as I sit here and type this I feel like total shit. I have to pick myself up for my kids. I have too. 


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