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I Just Want to Get Away...

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I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know how I got into this situation. I guess I will start from the beginning. When I was a child, I was molested by a family friend. I never told anyone. I was so embarrassed. How could I tell anyone? I didn’t start telling people until I was in college. I always wondered why I had trust issues towards men. One day, I came to the realization that it was what happened to me when I was younger. Even after my realization, I still didn’t trust men. I didn’t make the best decisions while I was in college. I partied and was very promiscuous. I didn’t want them (men) to think that they were the only ones who could do that. I wanted to “use” them like they do to us. I pushed EVERY nice guy away from me. I wanted to beat them to the punch, I wanted to hurt them before they could do that to me. I saw how my friends cried, how they were upset and I always said, “that’s never going to be me.” This type of behavior went on for several years after that. 

On December 27, 2005 I met this guy. At first, I thought it was just going to be like the rest. I was wrong. He is still in my life and I don’t know how to get out. I have never cried more since I have met him. The verbal, mental, and emotional abuse has really gotten to me. I was always the one who said, “I would NEVER let that happen to ME! Why don’t these women just leave?!” I guess it’s true when they say, it’s easier said than done. I have made plenty of excuses for him and I have even blamed myself.

He has a really bad temper. Sometimes he gets frustrated and he says he wants to help but, it’s yelling and calling me names and stuff. He has smacked me in front of his brother, in public, while I am driving, etc. One time, he was so angry with me that after he smacked me around a little, he threw me into the trunk of MY car that he was driving around that night. It has only gotten worse. The thing that gets me is that he realizes that he NEEDS anger management. Most recently, he was so angry with me that he was smacking me, burning me with a cigarette, and spitting in my face all while he was driving. He drove to an alley near our apartment and pulled me out of the car and beat me like I was Rodney King during the LA riots. I cried, I yelled, and tried to run. He had me on the floor, he dragged me and kicked me and yelled at me. I was sore for days. I had bruises all over. I had scratch marks all over my arm. I had cigarette burn marks on me. He would get MAD at me for not covering them up perfectly so that I don’t get questioned.

I have thought so many times that my life isn’t worth it. I have done so much for him and how can someone treat another person that way! I have had crazy thoughts about ending my life; but, that would just be selfish for the people who care about me and I can’t just run away like that.

The only thing that keeps me going is my faith in Jesus Christ…

I am supposed to move back to my parent’s house in the next few months. Hopefully it all works out and one day I will be that smiling person once again.


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