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I Survived

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I was born September 5, 1962. I was born with bronchial respiratory infection and had to stay in the hospital for two weeks. Mom did not have time to come and get me so my grandmother and uncle came and got me. I do not know how long I stay with my grandmother. I do remember leaving Pecos to move to San Angelo, when I was three. We lived with my dad till I was eleven. My mother started abusing me when I was about five, the sexual abuse started around when I was six or seven. I do not really remember. The mental abuse started about the same time. When I was six, my mom broke my nose, cut my eye, messed up my mouth over not being able to find a yellow ribbon for my hair. Then she put me in my closet and locked it, I do not know how long I was in there. But it was long enough to make sure that I do not have closet doors in my house. She tried to put makeup on me to cover it up, but it did not work everyone saw my face when we went to K-mart. When we got home, I started doing my chores and my dad came home. I had one of his hats on so he could not see my face. When he asks me what was wrong, I said nothing because my mouth was swollen. He tilted my hat back and saw my face and said what happen? I told him I fell off of my horse. He knew better. So he went out and asks my brother what happen, my brother was scared to tell him, because he was afraid mom would do the same thing to him. But my dad would not give up and finally my brother told him. My dad took us to some friend’s house for the night and when he came to pick us up the next day, my mom was in the hospital with whip lash and two busted ear drums. I am reading this book the Courage to Heal. It really hits close to home. There is some questions they want you to answer so here is some of them. This is some of the self esteem issues that I am going through. I do feel that I am bad and not good enough for James’s love. Sometimes I do feel like a victim, and yes I feel different from other people, especially right now, that I just got out of the hospital. I feel like that everyone is looking at me and wondering if I am going to lose it again. I know that is not true, but I can’t help it. I don’t feel like this as much as I used to, that if people really knew me, they would leave me or not want to have anything to do with me. I considered myself evil. Sometimes I would fantasize about dying, getting really hurt to see if anyone would care, or just die. I have tried to commit suicide two times, the last time is the longest I let it go before I said anything. And I don’t know why I said anything at all. Sometimes I think I would still be better off dead and not deal with all this stuff. I know this is not healthy thoughts. But right now I don’t even know who I am anymore. I have panicked twice since I got out of the hospital. Once at bingo hall and once at church. I keep pushing myself and I don’t know if I should. So far no job offers. I keep wondering if someone is telling everyone I am nuts. I don’t hate myself as much as I used to. But there is still some self loathing in me. I feel like if I don’t do everything just right it is not good enough. Everything has to be just right or I am not satisfied. I am a workaholic, that way maybe no one will see my other flaws that I have.

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