I am a practicing Christian, but lately I’ve been giving serious thought to becoming a secular progressive. The advantages of adopting this popular mindset are becoming more attractive every day.
Consider: As a Christian, one does the right thing, even when no one is looking. As a progressive, I can get public recognition, peer approval, and moral points for my intentions. No need to actually do any heavy lifting. Very cool.
As a secular progressive I won’t have to worry about guilt or wrestle with moral dilemmas. I can now cheat on my mate and remain guilt free by merely purchasing credits from CheatNeutral. I don’t have to worry about recycling, polluting the earth, or being an energy hog—I’ll just buy some offsetting “carbon credits” from Al Gore’s firm. If I decide to have a baby out of wedlock, I’ll gain sympathy and government assistance instead of shame. There’s also a possibility Nickelodeon will do a “pregnancy special,” just like Jamie Lynn Spears .
Progressives have a very, well, progressive way of dealing with the messy issue of sin and guilt. My favorite is a very public apology (multiple times … depending on severity of offense), followed by a month in rehab to demonstrate sincerity. This route has the added advantage of accruing extra points for “courage” and “insight,” to say nothing of media face time. Now, I am cleansed and free to sin again. Progressives are nothing if not forgiving. (Unless you’re a white Christian male.)
There’s something very exhilarating about disregarding all the old traditional rules, especially when you can invent your own new ones. Progressives call this “empowerment,” which means indulging one’s own feelings, not being bound by tradition, and defining your own reality. As a member of the Me generation, this is particularly appealing. If it feels good, do it. No more need to consider others, unless they’re in an approved victim class. Like Palestinians, Guantanamo inmates or blacks, or women, or transvestites, or … well, you get the idea.
Another good reason to become a secular progressive is their absolute reliance on feelings over facts. Facts can be messy and at times, embarrassing. Feelings, especially my own, can now be the defining parameter of my worth. I feel, therefore I am. Whatever I feel is automatically valid and if anyone dares challenge me, they are deemed judgmental. How cool is that?
For all the advantages gained by becoming progressive, there are a few rules. I have to be very careful to never say the “n” word, or the “c” word, or the “d” word. (Hugging blacks in public is not a rule per say, it’s just highly recommended.) I must consider taxes as investments in the greater good and I must agree that all cultures are morally equal. I also have to acknowledge that there is absolutely no difference between men and women, that America is the cause of all the world’s ills, that capitalism is evil and that government knows best. Oh, I also have to demonize the rich, pretend Hillary isn’t the face of socialism, and act like everyone is a racist. Small price, eh?
Tomorrow, I’m going to call Meals On Wheels and tell them I’m not going to volunteer there anymore. Instead, as a progressive, I will do my bit for my fellow man by joining with millions of others in World Orgasm For Peace day. Whoever thought sacrifice could be so much fun!