I just read Nora Ephron died. I haven't read anything by her but I have seen a couple movies based on books she wrote. I have this longing to get to know her though on what I have read about her. She is a writer, a mom and endured a few marriages. I think I she was the type of woman I would have looked up to. She inspires me and yet she is dead as of today. I have no older woman in my life that I look up to. I just realized how that is a big empty hole in my world. If only I had a woman that I looked up to. I feel like that is a big part of why I am so filled with so much despair lately. I have no one that I can look up to for advice or wisdom. I long for the mother I never had. My mom was a child to me when I was growing up. She was there in body not mind, her mind was manic or depressed depending on the day. She disliked most people and was always quick to criticize all my friends. The most important thing I learned from my mom is I don't want to be like her and I don't want to grow old alone like her. My mom had a great life yet she suffered with mental illness so she didn't enjoy it. I feel I am falling in her foot steps. I know I am a better mom but other than that I feel my emotions control the day. Most of my days since the divorce have been filled with bouts of sadness. Something today tells me if I had an older woman that inspired me to be strong I would be in a different place today. Yet it seems I will have to hang on all by myself and figure this out. I am sick of figuring it out. Why can't my mind just stop feeling sad all the time? Why does life kick the shit out of me everyday? Why do I find life so tough? Why can't I find joy in the simple things? I think I need to accept that my personality contains a big lump of of sadness. Maybe I will find some solace in reading some quotes by Nora Ephron and laugh a little deeper. I bet she had some really dark times yet turned them into comedy. I need to turn my life story into a comedy. I need to hold my kids tighter to me. Let them see me as a fun mom, I feel like I am so dull to them. No one sees me for what I want to be seen for. I am invisible. Now! I have to figure out how to turn that around!