I’m feeling jealous. And it’s over something I don’t even want.
This summer, I got married. So did an acquaintance of mine. We were never very close friends, but when we found out over Facebook that we had got engaged within weeks of each other, we bonded as we planned our weddings. We’re still not great friends. When we meet we always talk about our weddings and there’s not much beyond that.
The other day I found out she was pregnant. I’m not. My instant reaction was to feel left out, and I wanted to cry. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way. It made no sense. Here’s why it made no sense:
I’m not the kind of girl who has always dreamt of becoming a mother. Hell, I never even dreamt of getting married. I’m not against having kids; my husband and I have talked about it and maybe in a couple of years . . .
The other reason why I don’t want to have kids—not now—is because of my in-laws. They are awful, awful parents to my husband (their reaction when he told them of our engagement: “You better have the wedding near our place because we’re not traveling to attend some wedding.”), and incredibly difficult in-laws to me (nothing I do is ever good enough) and were zero, really ZERO, help while we were planning our wedding. Worst part? They live only an hour away from us, which means their mean, meddling fingers have easy access to our lives. So I don’t want to have kids until we move away from where we are. Far, far, away.
So why was I jealous? I’m still not entirely sure. I think part of it was that she was moving on with her life and I was not. It was probably also because I had nursed a hope that we would become better friends through time. It’s probably also more a jealousy that she has no issues with her in-laws, whereas mine are preventing me from having something I would like.