My childhood was not an easy one. I had great parents, but I was often bullied at school because I was chubby. I was also the only adopted kid in my small, private school which often made me the object of cruel of jokes. I was mostly picked on by boys, but the girls had their little cliques, and I was always trying to people please to fit in. As a result, I never allowed myself to do what I wanted to do or feel what I wanted to feel. You see, I was secretly a nerd. When I was alone, I would fly though books, even at an early age. However, as this was not cool in the seventies, I would inevitably hide my books and go to the local skating rink hoping to included in the "fun" the other kids were having; I wanted acceptance more than anything.
Unfortunately, the feelings of rejection and lack of self-growth carried on into my teen years. I dated the bad boys, hid the fact that I aced tests, and secretly studied my butt off behind the comfy pink walls of my bedroom. God forbid I be chubby and a nerd! Don't get me wrong, I always had a couple of good friends and a few not so great boyfriends, but I was never happy because I thought that everyone had to like me. If only one person didn't, I subconsciously focused on the rejection of that one individual instead of on my intelligence and the good friends that I did have.
Throughout college and my first years as a teacher, that chubby little girl was never far away. I was married, hadtwo beautiful children, but if one fellow student or teacher didn't like me, I obsessed over it. I never said no to helping anyone or to doing any project because my inner child wanted acceptance and praise. However, as I neared my fortieth birthday, which I just knew would be the death of me, I began to see things differently.
Somehow with age and with the real difficulties that I faced such as the death of my father and the loss of a job I loved, I learned that I had to be true to myself in order to be happy. I finally realized that I would never be a size four, but neither would some of my favorite people in life who I saw as beautiful and vivacious. I also realized that although I loved spending time with my family and best friend, my inner nerd had her own needs that needed to be met. Therefore, I began to read every day just as I had as a child. In fact, when I would start to obsess, I would escape to the English Moors with Emily Bronte or to a honeymoon in France with Christian Grey!
I also began to realize my uniqueness. More and more, I came to understand how much my birth mother loved me, enough to sacrifice her own happiness to ensure mine. I also realized that my parents chose me and that if they were overprotective over the years it was because they loved me all the more because they went though so much to get me. Today I embrace both heritages, that of the birth mother who is my dear friend and the mother who has been with me through all of my ups and downs. I also have a husband who loves me and who constantly reminds me that it doesn't matter what others think; I have to do what makes me happy. As long as I have those I love and as long as I am true to what I believe and who I am, I don't have to worry about pleasing everyone else.
The final test of this new found self assurance came quickly and harshly. For seven years I taught students at a small rural school. I loved my job so much that I actually took a group of students to Europe! I loved my students dearly and taught them what I taught my children; everyone should be treated equally and with respect. This was the number one rule in my classroom. We had frequent readings and discussions that tied into tolerance and they knew that no form of discrimination or bullying would be allowed in my room. Then one day a situation arose where the administration tried to force me to allow a student to do an assignment that would have been hurtful a to my gay students. Just as I would never allow anyone to bash anyone's race or religion, neither would I allow anyone to research, write and share a paper in class that made a group of my students feel like they couldn't be who they truly were or that they were any less worthy of acceptance because they didn't fit someone's idea of "normal."No one, especially an adolescent who is already struggling with so many identity and acceptance issues, deserves to hear someone'sbiased, unfounded , negative statements aboutthemselves, especially in an environment where I feel that our students are not protected enough from bullying . All students, all people, deserve respect and should not be made to feel like they are somehow less of a person because of who they are.
When I tried to protect my gay students, I was told that I had to letthe studentwrite the paper or drop the whole assignment. In other words, I had been preaching tolerance, and now I had to go back and explain to these kids that I accepted the order and was now not practicing what I preached. Rather than be a hypocrite and a poor role model, I started packing boxes and tearfully told them why I was leaving. As a result, I had to leave the kids I loved,I miss my students terrribly and life has not been the same since I walked out of those doors. Do I regret it? No! How can you regret doing what you feel in your heart is right. I have former students and friends who have turned to drugs or attempted suicide because they were tortured because of their sexuality.Who are we to play God? My students are like my second children; I don't see color, I don't see pocket books, and I don't see sexual orientation. They all have civil rights and rights as human beings.None of my "friends" at the school even bothered to call me to see if I was okay after I left. . They just said that they didn't understand why I did what I did. And for the first time in my life, I didn't care about pleasing them. I had to be true to my own values and those that I tried to relay to my students. As I told my studentsover and over, if you see injustice and do nothing about it, you are part of the problem, not the solution. That's when I knew that I had true strength and that I didn't need other people's approval to know right from wrong.
Sometimes it takes a lot of pain to truly appreciate happiness. My life is far from perfect since that day, but I no longer live it for other people's approval. I learned that a lot of people are your "friend" when they agree with or understand what you are doing, but few are there when the majority doesn't follow. Perhaps they too are afraid of being left out of the crowd. However, after everything that has happened, I know that to be happy I must be true to myself, hold fast to my family and my few friends whoare there through thick and thin, and hopefully help someone along the way.
Today I reach out to others through my writing and volunteer work, and I know what is important and what is not. Hey, it only took me forty years to learn! When I feel doubt, I remind myself that If one kid doesn't turn to drugs or commit suicide because he or she feels rejected for being who they are, if my own children grow up to fight for what is right instead of standing on the sidelines, if I continue to volunteer, write, and reach out, I have done so much more good in this world than I would have had I simply sought to seek approval,.
Now, back to Fifty Shades of Grey…………f
